Movies

Something Wicked This Way Comes…Sooner or Later

~ lobablanca

When I’m not completely geeking out about all things sci-fi, I’m usually having a nerdspasm over musicals. Yeah, I can’t really explain that one either. I understand that they are an acquired taste, and that most people can’t stand how characters will break out into song in the middle of a poignant moment. My response to that complaint is…that’s why it’s called a musical.

My response usually gets a dirty look. I’m okay with that.

Anyway, I’ve made no secret of my Wicked love. First, I think Gregory Maguire’s book is brilliant. In the truest tradition of L. Frank Baum, Maguire has penned a story with powerful undercurrents of political and social commentary. Maguire’s text is far more adult, however, and really works as more of an anti-fairytale. He turns those beloved Ozians on their ears in incredible yet highly satisfying ways. I find it mildly off-putting that he now seems set to write these alternative reality books for all the Ozian characters. His latest is a book about the Cowardly Lion, which I admittedly have not read (truth is, I haven’t even read the Wicked sequel, Son of a Witch, even though I bought it the week it came out…in January of 2005; you all have no idea the depths of my book backlog).

Of course, Maguire’s novel and the musical based upon it are about as different as Baum’s novel and the MGM movie (which, in case you’ve missed it, turned 70 this year). The musical version of Wicked, in fact, significantly alters and dumbs down Maguire’s original story in ways that could have been potentially damning to the musical if left to incompetent people. Thankfully, Stephen Schwartz and Winnie Holzman are far from incompetent, and the end result is a Tony-winning musical that I love so much that the keystone of my 30th birthday trip across the pond was getting to see Idina Menzel reprise her role as Elphaba. That’s love, my friends.

So, what’s the point of all this? Well, during a recent virtual stroll through IMDb’s lists of upcoming movies, I stumbled upon this listing in the 2010 section. Wha? Wicked on screen? That would be wicked, indeed…if done properly, a la Chicago.

I quickly began disseminating this joyous news, giddy with fear-tinged joy over the thought of my current favorite musical being brought to the big screen as soon as next year. And then A2 (who hates musicals, by the way) pointed out the release date listed on IMDb: 2016.

2016?

W. T. F.?

Talk about delayed gratification. I guess this is still all nothing more than someone’s pipe dream right now. Although, I’ve always known that this would end up heading to the big screen at some point. After all, it was produced by Universal Pictures. But waiting until 2016? I had hopes that the original “witches” might be considered to reprise their roles as Galinda and Elphaba for the movie. Of course, how often does that ever happen, right? But with a delay like this, I don’t think either will be able to pass as teenagers anymore…unless they want to go all 90210 on us (Andrea Zuckerman was almost 30!!!).

Oh well. Things do change. Maybe this weird release date will change. Hell, maybe TPTB will change their minds about making the movie at all! Movies based on musicals notoriously fall flat 9 times out of 10 anymore. I think it’s all that crazy singing they do…

Quis Custodiet Ipsos Custodes?

~ lobablanca

Who watches the Watchmen? Unfortunately, last night I did.

Maybe I’m too critical for my own good. Maybe I over-analyze. Maybe I should just turn off my brain and let my visceral side take over when I watch movies.

Or maybe Hollywood should start making movies that live up to the dizzying heights of their well-oiled hype machine.

Believe me when I say I really did want to like this movie. I wanted to love it. I very much enjoyed the graphic novel, right up to the point near the end when I felt it fell apart significantly. The positive thing I can say about the movie version is that they did, indeed, fix the ending to be a little less…laughable. But, by the time I made it to the new ending, I couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. This movie was 2 hours 43 minutes long. And it felt 2 hours and 43 minutes long. That’s never a good sign.

In its favor, the movie looks spectacular. I expected nothing less from Zack Snyder, who directed 300. I love 300. I think it is one of the most visually spectacular movies ever made. I have several issues with the story itself, but I can let most of them go and focus on the beauty of the film.

The problem with doing that with Watchmen is the fact that the storyline should have been more important than making sure Rorschach’s mask blotches flowed properly or Dr. Manhattan’s blue peener was shimmery enough. The story is the power and the beauty of Watchmen. That unfortunately felt like it got lost in the focus on the effects. Also, I feel like if I hadn’t already read the novel, I would have been lost because so much exposition had been peeled away (again, though, the movie was almost 3 butt-numbing hours as it was).

Another major problem with this movie version? These superheroes shouldn’t possess super powers. That was one of the most important truths of the original novel: Minus Dr. Manhattan, they’re just everyday people who slap on masks and go after the baddies. These movie Watchmen? All that fancy footwork and concrete-cracking fighting action looks fantastic…but it’s wrong. They’re supposed to be like us. I don’t know about you, though, but if someone slammed my head into a countertop, I don’t think I’d be getting back up any time soon. I also don’t have the ability to punch someone’s humerus hard enough to cause it to shatter through their skin. Maybe it’s time I started working on that…

The key to making this movie really click right from the start was Rorschach. That’s where it began to unravel for me. Jackie, Christian Bale is going to kick your ass if you don’t give him back his shit Batman voice. Seriously, this was the most distracting voiceover since the original cut of Blade Runner. Otherwise, I suppose Haley was okay…but I’m pissed with him for being the new Freddy Krueger, so I don’t want to say anything else nice about him.

Other casting choices? Jeffrey Dean Morgan was spot-on as the Comedian. Patrick Wilson was brilliant as the second Nite Owl. Matt Frewer was almost unrecognizable as Moloch. All the others? Meh. I don’t much care for Billy Crudup as either an actor or a person. Matthew Goode? Sorry, but no one’s going to be looking upon his Ozymandias and despairing any time soon.

Also, Malin, honey. Yes, you’re lovely. Now put your tsitskas back into your Silk Spectre costume and go get some acting lessons. Oh, and Lucy Lawless would like you to know that, no, you can’t have the part of Xena. That’s still hers.

Now, a personal gripe with both the movie and the original source material concerning the character of Sally Jupiter, the original Silk Spectre and the new Silk Spectre’s mother. Here be spoilers from two movies, so skip the next couple of paragraphs if you’d rather not have anything ruined for you. This is more like a gripe about Hollywood’s treatment of women in storylines in general, I suppose, but I’m so very tired of being subjected to the rape or attempted rape of female characters. Note for your playbook, guys: That’s not entertaining. Plus, in this story, not only is Silk Spectre nearly raped by the Comedian (and bloodied up but good in the attempt), she returns to him later for consensual sex, which leads to the birth of the future Silk Spectre. Really? Because nothing woos a woman like having her face pummeled before it’s shoved against a pool table. Foreplay for superheroes? Or a horrible message about women really liking it rough and no “meaning Y-E-S”?

Snyder is guilty of subjecting another of his female characters to similar treatment. Lena Headey’s Queen Gorgo is raped in the movie version of 300, even though she is not in Frank Miller’s graphic novel. I think women were supposed to feel empowered when Gorgo murders her rapist and whispers as he dies a paraphrase of what he said to her as he raped her:

Remake Me Sick

~ lobablanca

NO!!! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

I just checked my tracking info and saw a highly disturbing keyword search, spawned by one of my recent Flashback Friday entries: “Poltergeist remake.”

NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Dammit, no. This is my perfection. This is the movie that placed me on my horror movie journey. This is my first. Now Hollywood is going to muck it up, like they did Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and now Freddy Krueger. The Poltergeist remake hasn’t been cast yet, but MGM has announced that they’re hoping for a Thanksgiving 2010 release date.

Who do I have to contact in Hollywood to make them stop this? Some things shouldn’t be tampered with. This movie is one of them. What next from my childhood? Jaws? Gremlins? Adventures in Babysitting? “Don’t fuck with the babysitter” is more than just a line from the movie, guys.

All I have to say is this: If I hear even the tiniest rumbling of a rumor about Blade Runner being remade, something horrifying will happen. I’m not saying what, but it will involve cutlery and Tabasco sauce.

Captioning Horror

~ lobablanca

Will Smith, second from right, walks on a street in Beijing. His son Jaden is co-starring with Jackie Chan in a remake of The Karate Kid called Kung Fu Kid. Dad Will is a co-producer of the film.

See, the actual photo that matches this caption doesn’t even matter. It’s a craptacularly grainy paparazzi shot that really would only appeal to the most die-hard Will Smith fans. I am not one of those people.

I am, however, one of what I’m sure are thousands (possibly even millions) of people horrified by this caption. Kung Fu Kid? Are you friggin’ kidding me? Please, someone sweep the leg before Hollywood remakes every movie ever made.

As pathetic as it is, though, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We keep going to these remakes, reboots, regurgitations, re-whatevers. All Hollywood needs to see is even the slightest glimmer of a profit and they’re convinced they’ve got a winning formula. Doesn’t matter that the formula tastes about as disgusting as pabulum, as long as we keep swallowing it, they’re going to keep mixing it up.

I think one of the most disheartening remakes that I have heard of recently is A Nightmare on Elm Street. I think that recent remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th have proven that more is less, and lightning really doesn’t strike more than once (with the exception of Star Trek: The Next Generation, of course).

I suspect I’m not the target audience anymore anyway. Actually, I suspect I never have been the target audience of anyone beyond places like Intergalactic Trading Company and Diamond Select Toys. It is what it is. Here, however, is my own crack at captioning another shot I passed across during my pre-work Interwebz perambulation. Hope you enjoy!

<img src="http://www.lobablanca.com/blog09/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/blanchfox.jpg" alt="Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats…” title=”blanchfox” width=”424″ height=”459″ class=”aligncenter size-full wp-image-1247″ />
Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats...

Lame Fox

~ lobablanca
She'd get my vote...
She'd get my vote...

Wonder Woman is a lame superhero. She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don

Forever Young?

~ lobablanca
WAY scarier than Chucky
WAY scarier than Chucky

I’m not the greatest when it comes to numbers. I admit this fact willingly. I harp on this fact, actually. It really helps when numbers issues come up at work; no one comes to Loba for number help. Loba like.

That being said, take a look at this quote from Hugh Jackman regarding his fear of dolls:

“When dolls come to life in films, that just freaks me out, I just can’t stand that. Chucky? Forget that. I remember when I was a little kid, and that little doll in the rocking chair going, ‘Take the girl right up the hill and kiss the girl goodbye’… I’m like, forget that! That freaks me out.”

Okay, the bold font in that quote is my emphasis. Little kid? Dude, you were born in 1968. Child’s Play came out in 1988. Since when did 20 years old qualify as “little kid” age?

Don’t get me wrong, Hugh. I still consider myself to be a big kid, too, even at 32. But…um…seriously? Child’s Play freaked you out? You’re supposed to be Wolverine, mate. This is something you maybe should have kept a bit closer to your muscly chest, no?

Now if you’d said clowns freaked you out, that would have been a completely different story. Clowns are fucking scary.