L o b a B l a n c a {dot} c o m

Talk about the perfect weekend: First it’s my favorite holiday, then it’s the weekend in which our clocks “fall back” an hour, pretty much giving us a free hour to use as we see fit. Me? I’m using my spare time to catch up on some commentary tracks on some tasty terror flicks. I’ve listened to the commentaries for Halloween and A Nightmare on Elm Street, and now I’m at the beginning of the track for The Exorcist. If there’s time, I might pop in the commentary for Blair Witch, which is one of the most amusing commentaries I’ve ever heard.

In between all this horror movie indulgence, I also finished my latest 50BC09 choice. I’m probably not going to write the review just yet, as I’m still trying to process it and figure out what I want to say about it. But now I’m one book away from being finished with library books. W00t, indeed.

I also wanted to tack on two honorable mentions to yesterday’s list of my favorite horror flicks (oh, and in case you were wondering, Halloween and The Haunting were both viewed yesterday). The reason these weren’t on my list is because I don’t own one of them, and I own the other but I’ve never had the courage to watch the DVD.

First is Tobe Hooper’s 1974 mind rip, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. This is the one that I don’t own, and I don’t think I ever will. If you’re looking for a movie that cuts way too close to the bone (ha ha) and leaves you feeling completely freaked out by the shear possibility of the entire plot, then you need to see this movie. Taking place along the back roads and secret pathways of Nowhere, Texas, Hooper drops you right into the steamy, sweaty, claustrophobic terror of his story and doesn’t relent until the very last frame. There’s slight exposition at the beginning, but the horrifying action is quick to begin and doesn’t let up for an instant. There is no reason for the terror…simply the fluke of being on the wrong property and encountering the WRONG person at the very wrong time. If you’re easily disturbed, this is probably a movie you’ll want to avoid. There are several squirm-inducing scenes, including the introduction of Leatherface, one that involves a meat hook, and a dinner scene in which Hooper brings us right into our protagonist’s face, filling the screen with an unflinching and unforgiving shot of the terror in her eyes. This is definitely a genre must-see, but it’s one that I think I can go without ever seeing again. That’s a kind of fear that you don’t need to repeat to remember.

Speaking of which, my second honorable mention is Gore Verbinski’s 2002 film The Ring, a remake of the Japanese horror movie, Ringu. I own this one, but I’ve never watched it. Why? The visuals messed with my head so badly that I couldn’t shake them for weeks after seeing this movie in the theater. I really can’t explain the rationale behind this. After all, I’ve seen dozens upon dozens of horror movies. Some stick with me longer than others…but I daresay none has messed with my mind quite as dramatically as The Ring. This fact actually irritates me, because beyond being a wonderful horror movie, this is gorgeously filmed. Again, if you are a film aficionado, you need to see this movie. Verbinski does wonders setting the perfect atmosphere through colors, shadow, and light. And all the actors were amazing, including Daveigh Chase as Samara, the freakiest little girl to hit the big screen since Linda Blair as Regan MacNeil. I so desperately want to watch this one again. I just need to figure out how I can do it without seeing those scenes that freaked me out so badly the first time. Is it wrong to watch an entire horror movie through the spaces in between one’s fingers?

We've opted not to dress up this Halloween.

One of my favorite vignettes from my dad’s childhood is his first Halloween. Because he was dressed as a cowboy, he thought he was supposed to knock on people’s doors and say, “Trigger Treat” rather than “Trick or Treat.” Apparently, he thought he was Roy Rogers that night…and if none of this makes any sense to you whatsoever, all I can say is welcome to my brain.

Anywho. HAPPY HALLOWEEN, denizens! No matter what your plans are for this festively festering holiday, I hope you have a howling great time! As for your lupine mistress, I’m opting for a quiet evening in with the Collective. We shall be viewing one of our favorite horror movies. We simply haven’t decided which one that will be just yet. But we can assure you that it will be one of the films from the following list of Loba’s Most Viewed Scary Movies.

Perhaps a few on this list might feel worn out and trite. I will be the first to admit that there are a few that I stopped watching after a while, simply because so many other movies began copying their style and they lost their horror-ific appeal. However, once the unforgiving glare of Hollywood hype and imitation dies away, the originals always rise once more, like the ever-resilient undead rising from the boggy swamps to feed once more on tasty, tasty brains.

This list is in alphabetical order since there’s no way that I could put them in order of love (I love them all so very much), but I had to put them in some kind of order. The Collective craves order, you know. Also, you may note that some of the movies that I have already claimed to love are not on this list. These would include The Exorcist, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Pet Sematary, and Poltergeist. Both because of the fact that I’ve already discussed them at length before and because they are each must-see classics of the genre (yeah, I’d even put Pet Sematary in this class if only because of its campy, crusty goodness), I’ve left them off this list. That should in no way be inferred as me disparaging them in any way. In fact, if you haven’t seen any of these movies, ignore the following list and take care of watching these first. That’s an order.

Oh, one more thing…there are no bloody remakes here. I’m a strong believer of the “If it ain’t broke…back the hell off” mindset, especially when it comes to the movies on this list. The originals are inimitable and irreplaceable.

1. Black Christmas
• This 1974 Canadian import has all the marks of a really cheesy slasher flick: It takes place in a sorority, with a bunch of giggly, jiggly drinking girls. It’s got an over-the-top villain who likes to make obscene phone calls to said girls. It also utilizes a twist toward the end that, without revealing what it is, has been used again and again in so many horror movies. Oh, and the ending itself…I love horror movies that end like this one did. The one thing that this movie has that all its imitators don’t is the fact that all these things that sound like horror movie cliches were new and original for Black Christmas, which is considered to be the first “slasher” movie to hit the genre with all its blood-soaked gory…er, glory. Look for Olivia Hussey, Margot Kidder, and a surprisingly dramatic Andrea Martin. Plus, John Saxon shows up as “The Helpful Cop,” a role that he will make even more famous to the genre when he returns as Nancy Thompson’s cop dad in A Nightmare on Elm Street. Here’s the original trailer. Personally, I think this trailer gives away too much and really doesn’t do the movie much justice.
2. The Blair Witch Project
• What I love most about this movie is the fact that so many people were convinced that it was real. This is one of the earliest “mockumentary” films that I can remember. I also love that this was filmed right here in Maryland. Finally, something good comes from the Old Line State! Yes, the actors who star in it hit the “overact” button way too often, and that detracts a bit, but look beyond that and you will find a fundamentally sound and strong and truly terrifying story. And it’s all presented without ever showing you a thing. Sometimes it’s all about atmosphere, and that’s the key word for this gem. The only really negative thing I can say about it, beyond the acting and the still-sour taste of its overdrive hyping, is that it can make you nauseous if you get easily jarred by frenetic motion. My advice is to pop some Dramamine and settle in for a great, old-fashioned scary campfire tale.

Blair Witch Bonus: In 1999, the Cartoon Network put together the following bumpers that they played during commercial breaks for their 25-hour Scooby Doo marathon. Someone pieced together all the bumpers for “The Scooby Doo Project” and placed them on YouTube, much to my Scooby-loving delight. Hope you enjoy, too!

3. Candyman
• I had a difficult time deciding which Clive Barker movie I wanted on this list. I love Hellraiser and I think that Pinhead is one of the most loquacious villains to ever come from the dark underworld. But Candyman is like no other. Set in Chicago’s Cabrini Green projects, this movie dares to present us with possibly the first (and only?) horror movie villain to arise from a completely urban setting. Freddy, Jason, Michael…these guys all hang in the ‘burbs or at summer camps. But Candyman rises from areas that most would stamp with phrases like “slum” or “urban blight.” His story, in another genre, would be filled with pathos and tenderness. In this setting, Barker turns him into a silver-tongued slayer, whose silken tones capture and hypnotize his prey into a willingness to “be my victim.” Plus, Tony Todd is quite simply made of awesome. Without him as the eponymous “writing on the wall…whisper in the classroom,” I don’t think this movie would have been nearly as wonderful as it was.
4. Carnival of Souls
• This 1962 classic is the only Hollywood-level feature film ever made by director Herk Harvey. He made mostly documentary and educational films for Centron Productions in Lawrence, Kansas. While coming back from a shoot in California, he passed by the abandoned remains of Saltair, an amusement pavilion built in 1894 on the banks of Salt Lake in Utah. He was so fascinated by the image of this place against the dusk sky that when he got back to Lawrence, he asked Centron coworker John Clifford to write him a script that would end with “a dance of the dead” at this abandoned pavilion. The end result is one of my all-time favorite horror movies. Starring Candace Hilligoss as organist Mary Henry and Harvey himself as “The Man,” this movie builds a perfectly chilling atmosphere. There are no budget-breaking special effects or CGI freak-outs. But that’s the beauty of this movie: It lives as testament that you can make an absolutely enthralling and chilling film with no bells or whistles. Just some awesome organ music and an abandoned amusement park.
5. Halloween
• The ultimate cliche, no? Recommending Halloween for Halloween viewing? Pay no attention to the sequels or the remakes. They can only serve to detract from what I think is one of the greatest horror movies ever made. In fact, I would place this at nearly the top of my list. Together, John Carpenter and Debra Hill wrote a solid, satisfyingly scary script, which Carpenter brought to life in high cinematic style. He may have been on the ultimate of shoestring budgets when he was filming, but you sure can’t tell by looking at it. He knew the dimensions of his shots better than most directors, and he utilized every inch of the frame to full and frightening effect. One of my absolute favorite scenes from this movie is a perfect example of this talent and involves nothing more than two of the actors, a darkened hallway and a blue light bulb. Michael Myers is without a doubt my favorite “boogeyman” and the fact that he wears a slightly altered Captain Kirk mask throughout makes him even more awesome. Plus, you can witness Jamie Lee Curtis’s birth as “The Scream Queen.” As for the remake that wanted to “explore the makings of Michael Myers,” there’s no need. Dr. Loomis explains it to us perfectly: “I met him 15 years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this 6-year-old child with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes… the Devil’s eyes. I spent 8 years trying to reach him, and then another 7 trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy’s eyes was purely and simply…evil.” Good enough for me, Doc.
6. The Haunting
• If all you’ve ever seen is the 1999 remake of this movie, I’m so very sorry. If ever there was a reason why Hollywood shouldn’t attempt to remake a classic, that piece of fecal crust is my prime example. It defiles the name of a double-hitter joy for me: An exquisitely executed horror movie based on one of my favorite scary novels. Director Robert Wise bought the rights for the story after reading Shirley Jackson’s novel, The Haunting of Hill House, and later met with the author to discuss how she envisioned this story being brought to life on the screen. She is in fact the one who told him that one of the original titles she considered for her novel was the abbreviated “The Haunting.” What makes this movie work so well for me is the cinematography. Wise creates palpable atmosphere (I keep using that word in all these reviews! Atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere! Trumps blood and gore any day) with skewed camera angles, close-ups, twisting imagery, haunting establishing shots, all surrounding the eeriest effing house you can imagine. Even if you aren’t frightened by the story itself, I’d urge anyone interested in filmmaking to check this out to observe how master directors roll. Literally and figuratively.
7. Identity
• “As I was going up the stair / I met a man who wasn’t there. / He wasn’t there again today / I wish, I wish he’d go away.” This is admittedly an odd pick, and not one that stands up to multiple viewings. I was going to place The Sixth Sense here for the “twist at the end” film, but I decided that was too predictable. So here instead is this 2003 offering with its fairly impressive cast, including John Cusack, Ray Liotta, Amanda Peet, Alfred Molina, Rebecca De Mornay, Clea DuVall, John C. McGinley, Jake Busey, and Pruitt Taylor Vince, who has made quite an impressive career out of his nystagmus (it’s a condition that causes your eyes to shift involuntarily). I love the big reveal at the end and still think that it was quite clever. But, like The Sixth Sense, you can only watch this one once for the scares. Any additional viewings will be just because you enjoy the story…which I do. It also sports one of the best “final lines” for any antagonist, which I quote quite frequently. What that says about me is fully up to interpretation.
8. Scream
• This one is a purely nostalgic pick for me. Anyone from my generation who grew up on a steady diet of horror movies will love this movie. Kevin Williamson created a smart, sharp, and genre-reverential wonder with this script. There are so many references to classic horror movies…Halloween, Nightmare on Elm Street, Psycho, When a Stranger Calls, The Exorcist, Friday the 13th and much, much more…it’s a cornucopia of horror movie goodness, to be sure. Add to that some incredibly quotable lines throughout, pitch-perfect performances, and a musical cue near the beginning that will spell everything out for you if you’re paying close enough attention, and you have a recipe for a movie that I have watched almost as many times as the next film on my list.
9. Silence of the Lambs
• “Tell me, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?” Want to see the inspiration for Dana Scully? Even better, want to see my favorite Jodie Foster movie AND one of my favorite scary movies? Then pop in this 1991 gem from Jonathan Demme. Based on Thomas Harris’s second “Hannibal Lecter” book (although he was merely a bit player in Red Dragon), this movie is the only horror movie to ever win an Academy Award for Best Picture (it’s also in good company since only genre alums The Exorcist and Jaws have received nominations). I don’t even know how many times I’ve watched this movie, but I know that it’s well into the double digits by now. It is one of those perfect storm experiences: Amazing screenplay by Ted Tally; Oscar-winning directing by Demme; and brutally beautiful performance by EVERYONE, least of all being Foster, Anthony Hopkins (both of whom also won Oscars for this film), and Scott Glenn.
10. What Lies Beneath
• One of my favorite directors is Robert Zemeckis. He’s responsible for bringing some of my favorite movies to life, including Back to the Future, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Death Becomes Her (seriously, when are you ever going to release a special edition of this one, Robert? My patience is wearing thin…), Forrest Gump, Contact…all visually breathtaking movies in which he pushed the limits of the technological capabilities in the best possible ways. So is the case with this tale. I view this as one of the few horror movies in which the CGI and special effects are used in beautifully subtle ways, never drowning out the story but rather enhancing it in all the right ways. Bottom line: This is how horror movies should utilize CGI. Not as a fill-in for the fact that you don’t actually have a story to tell, but rather as ways to make your already scary story even more jump-inducing. Besides, how can you go wrong with Harrison Ford and Michelle Pfeiffer?

So there you go. I hope there’s something here that you might like to see. If not, then I will now direct you to my friend weathereye. He’s a horror hound as well, and he’s been running a Black October feature on his blog in which he’s reviewed a scary movie a day. If you can’t find something either here or at the Weather Station, then I don’t really know what to tell you

I hope you all have a wonderful Halloween. Now, please excuse me. Turner Classic Movies is running a marathon of classic horror movies. I believe right now I have an appointment with The Abominable Dr. Phibes…

Okay, who's sewing this back on for me?!

I’ve got something in the works for the main event (nothing major, so don’t get your undies too bunched), but here’s a little pre-Halloween treat of a recommendation for you: Drag Me To Hell. Or as I’d like to call it, Button, Button, Who’s Cursed the Button?

Loba loves scary movies. For this reason, Loba loves Sam Raimi. He, Wes Craven, Tobe Hooper, and John Carpenter helped to pretty much define the horror genre that I grew to love as a wee pup in the 80s. Many of my favorite movies, in fact, come from this phantasmagorical collection of directors.

Raimi hasn’t really focused on horror in quite a while…unless others out there were as horrified by Spider-Man 3 as I was, then I retract this statement completely. However, his last “real” scary movie was 2000′s The Gift, which for some reason didn’t make much of a mark in my memory. I remember that it stars Cate Blanchett and features Keanu Reeves playing a bit of a dickish character, but that’s about all I can give you without looking it up.

Then, of course, he became tangled in spinning the massive web of the Spider-Man mythology. He slammed it out of the park with parts 1 and 2, but after 3 maybe even he realized that it was time to cleanse his directorial palate of the taste of radioactive spiders.

And so he came back home to his horror roots.

[Actually, though, if he'd come back to his "roots," he would have done yet another movie about a group of friends finding evil in a secluded cabin in the woods. Seriously, Sam, how many more times are you going to do this idea? No disrespect, but Bruce is getting a bit too old to keep whipping out his boomstick for you.]

Back on track: Drag Me To Hell is nothing less than exquisite. If you dig watching a classic horror-style revenge story unfold in classic Raimi style (meaning lots of bone rattles and over-the-top grossness held together by ridiculously well-timed moments of Raimi’s trademark gallows humor), you simply have to watch this movie. I can’t think of one thing from this movie that I didn’t adore (although there were a couple of scenes that left me a bit green around the gills…the “face gumming” suffered by our heroine left me feeling extremely grossed out).

Also, the audio is spot-on chilling. I don’t think any other movie has ever made the rusty screech of a swinging gate so utterly terrifying. I also have to say that the “pwink” sound of a staple coming loose during a particularly tense scene was a wonderfully funny post-production touch.

I want to say so much more about this movie, gush like a little fan girl about my favorite moments…but I want you all to go out and watch it for yourselves to discover the squee-inducing glee that I discovered. It’s been a long time since I saw a horror movie that delighted me as much as this one did. Raimi proves that he can still make us jump and laugh just like the old days, even without Bruce Campbell’s assistance (although other Raimi trademarks are present, including his brother Ted and that freakin’ pimp Oldsmobile Delta 88…where the hell does he keep that road boat in between movies?!). So check it out, see if it makes you as happy as it made me.

Now, all I can hope is that Raimi’s next scary movie isn’t Spider-Man 4…

When I’m not completely geeking out about all things sci-fi, I’m usually having a nerdspasm over musicals. Yeah, I can’t really explain that one either. I understand that they are an acquired taste, and that most people can’t stand how characters will break out into song in the middle of a poignant moment. My response to that complaint is…that’s why it’s called a musical.

My response usually gets a dirty look. I’m okay with that.

Anyway, I’ve made no secret of my Wicked love. First, I think Gregory Maguire’s book is brilliant. In the truest tradition of L. Frank Baum, Maguire has penned a story with powerful undercurrents of political and social commentary. Maguire’s text is far more adult, however, and really works as more of an anti-fairytale. He turns those beloved Ozians on their ears in incredible yet highly satisfying ways. I find it mildly off-putting that he now seems set to write these alternative reality books for all the Ozian characters. His latest is a book about the Cowardly Lion, which I admittedly have not read (truth is, I haven’t even read the Wicked sequel, Son of a Witch, even though I bought it the week it came out…in January of 2005; you all have no idea the depths of my book backlog).

Of course, Maguire’s novel and the musical based upon it are about as different as Baum’s novel and the MGM movie (which, in case you’ve missed it, turned 70 this year). The musical version of Wicked, in fact, significantly alters and dumbs down Maguire’s original story in ways that could have been potentially damning to the musical if left to incompetent people. Thankfully, Stephen Schwartz and Winnie Holzman are far from incompetent, and the end result is a Tony-winning musical that I love so much that the keystone of my 30th birthday trip across the pond was getting to see Idina Menzel reprise her role as Elphaba. That’s love, my friends.

So, what’s the point of all this? Well, during a recent virtual stroll through IMDb’s lists of upcoming movies, I stumbled upon this listing in the 2010 section. Wha? Wicked on screen? That would be wicked, indeed…if done properly, a la Chicago.

I quickly began disseminating this joyous news, giddy with fear-tinged joy over the thought of my current favorite musical being brought to the big screen as soon as next year. And then A2 (who hates musicals, by the way) pointed out the release date listed on IMDb: 2016.

2016?

W. T. F.?

Talk about delayed gratification. I guess this is still all nothing more than someone’s pipe dream right now. Although, I’ve always known that this would end up heading to the big screen at some point. After all, it was produced by Universal Pictures. But waiting until 2016? I had hopes that the original “witches” might be considered to reprise their roles as Galinda and Elphaba for the movie. Of course, how often does that ever happen, right? But with a delay like this, I don’t think either will be able to pass as teenagers anymore…unless they want to go all 90210 on us (Andrea Zuckerman was almost 30!!!).

Oh well. Things do change. Maybe this weird release date will change. Hell, maybe TPTB will change their minds about making the movie at all! Movies based on musicals notoriously fall flat 9 times out of 10 anymore. I think it’s all that crazy singing they do…

Who watches the Watchmen? Unfortunately, last night I did.

Maybe I’m too critical for my own good. Maybe I over-analyze. Maybe I should just turn off my brain and let my visceral side take over when I watch movies.

Or maybe Hollywood should start making movies that live up to the dizzying heights of their well-oiled hype machine.

Believe me when I say I really did want to like this movie. I wanted to love it. I very much enjoyed the graphic novel, right up to the point near the end when I felt it fell apart significantly. The positive thing I can say about the movie version is that they did, indeed, fix the ending to be a little less…laughable. But, by the time I made it to the new ending, I couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. This movie was 2 hours 43 minutes long. And it felt 2 hours and 43 minutes long. That’s never a good sign.

In its favor, the movie looks spectacular. I expected nothing less from Zack Snyder, who directed 300. I love 300. I think it is one of the most visually spectacular movies ever made. I have several issues with the story itself, but I can let most of them go and focus on the beauty of the film.

The problem with doing that with Watchmen is the fact that the storyline should have been more important than making sure Rorschach’s mask blotches flowed properly or Dr. Manhattan’s blue peener was shimmery enough. The story is the power and the beauty of Watchmen. That unfortunately felt like it got lost in the focus on the effects. Also, I feel like if I hadn’t already read the novel, I would have been lost because so much exposition had been peeled away (again, though, the movie was almost 3 butt-numbing hours as it was).

Another major problem with this movie version? These superheroes shouldn’t possess super powers. That was one of the most important truths of the original novel: Minus Dr. Manhattan, they’re just everyday people who slap on masks and go after the baddies. These movie Watchmen? All that fancy footwork and concrete-cracking fighting action looks fantastic…but it’s wrong. They’re supposed to be like us. I don’t know about you, though, but if someone slammed my head into a countertop, I don’t think I’d be getting back up any time soon. I also don’t have the ability to punch someone’s humerus hard enough to cause it to shatter through their skin. Maybe it’s time I started working on that…

The key to making this movie really click right from the start was Rorschach. That’s where it began to unravel for me. Jackie, Christian Bale is going to kick your ass if you don’t give him back his shit Batman voice. Seriously, this was the most distracting voiceover since the original cut of Blade Runner. Otherwise, I suppose Haley was okay…but I’m pissed with him for being the new Freddy Krueger, so I don’t want to say anything else nice about him.

Other casting choices? Jeffrey Dean Morgan was spot-on as the Comedian. Patrick Wilson was brilliant as the second Nite Owl. Matt Frewer was almost unrecognizable as Moloch. All the others? Meh. I don’t much care for Billy Crudup as either an actor or a person. Matthew Goode? Sorry, but no one’s going to be looking upon his Ozymandias and despairing any time soon.

Also, Malin, honey. Yes, you’re lovely. Now put your tsitskas back into your Silk Spectre costume and go get some acting lessons. Oh, and Lucy Lawless would like you to know that, no, you can’t have the part of Xena. That’s still hers.

Now, a personal gripe with both the movie and the original source material concerning the character of Sally Jupiter, the original Silk Spectre and the new Silk Spectre’s mother. Here be spoilers from two movies, so skip the next couple of paragraphs if you’d rather not have anything ruined for you. This is more like a gripe about Hollywood’s treatment of women in storylines in general, I suppose, but I’m so very tired of being subjected to the rape or attempted rape of female characters. Note for your playbook, guys: That’s not entertaining. Plus, in this story, not only is Silk Spectre nearly raped by the Comedian (and bloodied up but good in the attempt), she returns to him later for consensual sex, which leads to the birth of the future Silk Spectre. Really? Because nothing woos a woman like having her face pummeled before it’s shoved against a pool table. Foreplay for superheroes? Or a horrible message about women really liking it rough and no “meaning Y-E-S”?

Snyder is guilty of subjecting another of his female characters to similar treatment. Lena Headey’s Queen Gorgo is raped in the movie version of 300, even though she is not in Frank Miller’s graphic novel. I think women were supposed to feel empowered when Gorgo murders her rapist and whispers as he dies a paraphrase of what he said to her as he raped her: “This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy this.” I’d posit that this was how I felt about this entire subplot. If you aren’t clever enough to figure out how to work women into your story without raping them or stripping them down to what god or their plastic surgeon gave them, then do us all a favor and just leave them out completely.

So, there you go. I’m a little late to this party, but I’ve finally seen Watchmen. I guess I’m happy I finally saw it. I’m happier I didn’t waste a tenner on going to see it in the theater. I do, however, think I might download the soundtrack. That was consistently cracking. And, because I did enjoy the trailer for the movie, I’ll place it here. Unfortunately, I think this is another instance of the trailer being WAY better than the final product. But I’ll leave that to you all to decide for yourselves…

NO!!! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!

I just checked my tracking info and saw a highly disturbing keyword search, spawned by one of my recent Flashback Friday entries: “Poltergeist remake.”

NO!!!!!!!!!!!

Dammit, no. This is my perfection. This is the movie that placed me on my horror movie journey. This is my first. Now Hollywood is going to muck it up, like they did Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, and now Freddy Krueger. The Poltergeist remake hasn’t been cast yet, but MGM has announced that they’re hoping for a Thanksgiving 2010 release date.

Who do I have to contact in Hollywood to make them stop this? Some things shouldn’t be tampered with. This movie is one of them. What next from my childhood? Jaws? Gremlins? Adventures in Babysitting? “Don’t fuck with the babysitter” is more than just a line from the movie, guys.

All I have to say is this: If I hear even the tiniest rumbling of a rumor about Blade Runner being remade, something horrifying will happen. I’m not saying what, but it will involve cutlery and Tabasco sauce.

Will Smith, second from right, walks on a street in Beijing. His son Jaden is co-starring with Jackie Chan in a remake of The Karate Kid called Kung Fu Kid. Dad Will is a co-producer of the film.

See, the actual photo that matches this caption doesn’t even matter. It’s a craptacularly grainy paparazzi shot that really would only appeal to the most die-hard Will Smith fans. I am not one of those people.

I am, however, one of what I’m sure are thousands (possibly even millions) of people horrified by this caption. Kung Fu Kid? Are you friggin’ kidding me? Please, someone sweep the leg before Hollywood remakes every movie ever made.

As pathetic as it is, though, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We keep going to these remakes, reboots, regurgitations, re-whatevers. All Hollywood needs to see is even the slightest glimmer of a profit and they’re convinced they’ve got a winning formula. Doesn’t matter that the formula tastes about as disgusting as pabulum, as long as we keep swallowing it, they’re going to keep mixing it up.

I think one of the most disheartening remakes that I have heard of recently is A Nightmare on Elm Street. I think that recent remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th have proven that more is less, and lightning really doesn’t strike more than once (with the exception of Star Trek: The Next Generation, of course).

I suspect I’m not the target audience anymore anyway. Actually, I suspect I never have been the target audience of anyone beyond places like Intergalactic Trading Company and Diamond Select Toys. It is what it is. Here, however, is my own crack at captioning another shot I passed across during my pre-work Interwebz perambulation. Hope you enjoy!

Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats...

She'd get my vote...

Wonder Woman is a lame superhero. She flies around in her invisible jet and her weaponry is a lasso that makes you tell the truth. I just don’t get it.

So said Megan Fox in this interview.

Um. I’m sorry, but aren’t you the one from those giant transforming robot movies? But you don’t “get” Wonder Woman? Maybe if you read up a little bit, you would know more. Things like her lasso of truth was the inspiration of her creator, William Moulton Marston, who also happened to be one of the creators of the polygraph device (I know, that’s probably a really big word for you, and something else you don’t “get”…it’s that magical make-believe machine they use in police movies all the time to determine if someone’s lying).

Wonder Woman sprang from a period in history in which even the idea of a woman being portrayed as a superhero was ridiculously forward thinking. Yes, she started out wearing a pleated skirt and later shifted to Underoos, but she was still inspirational. Enough so that Gloria Steinem placed her on the very first cover of Ms. magazine.

Again, though, even more things that Ms. Fox doesn’t “get.” She claims in this interview that, “…if you want your girls to feel strong and intelligent and be outspoken and fight for what they think is right, then I want to be that type of role model, yeah.” Yet she fails to get how Wonder Woman was all those things and more to several generations of women. But she sure does look perty in cut-off shorts and has mastered the PG-13-approved boob shot.

Know what else I’m glad Ms. Fox is not getting? The role of Wonder Woman.

WAY scarier than Chucky

I’m not the greatest when it comes to numbers. I admit this fact willingly. I harp on this fact, actually. It really helps when numbers issues come up at work; no one comes to Loba for number help. Loba like.

That being said, take a look at this quote from Hugh Jackman regarding his fear of dolls:

“When dolls come to life in films, that just freaks me out, I just can’t stand that. Chucky? Forget that. I remember when I was a little kid, and that little doll in the rocking chair going, ‘Take the girl right up the hill and kiss the girl goodbye’… I’m like, forget that! That freaks me out.”

Okay, the bold font in that quote is my emphasis. Little kid? Dude, you were born in 1968. Child’s Play came out in 1988. Since when did 20 years old qualify as “little kid” age?

Don’t get me wrong, Hugh. I still consider myself to be a big kid, too, even at 32. But…um…seriously? Child’s Play freaked you out? You’re supposed to be Wolverine, mate. This is something you maybe should have kept a bit closer to your muscly chest, no?

Now if you’d said clowns freaked you out, that would have been a completely different story. Clowns are fucking scary.