Who watches the Watchmen? Unfortunately, last night I did.
Maybe I’m too critical for my own good. Maybe I over-analyze. Maybe I should just turn off my brain and let my visceral side take over when I watch movies.
Or maybe Hollywood should start making movies that live up to the dizzying heights of their well-oiled hype machine.
Believe me when I say I really did want to like this movie. I wanted to love it. I very much enjoyed the graphic novel, right up to the point near the end when I felt it fell apart significantly. The positive thing I can say about the movie version is that they did, indeed, fix the ending to be a little less…laughable. But, by the time I made it to the new ending, I couldn’t be bothered to care anymore. This movie was 2 hours 43 minutes long. And it felt 2 hours and 43 minutes long. That’s never a good sign.
In its favor, the movie looks spectacular. I expected nothing less from Zack Snyder, who directed 300. I love 300. I think it is one of the most visually spectacular movies ever made. I have several issues with the story itself, but I can let most of them go and focus on the beauty of the film.
The problem with doing that with Watchmen is the fact that the storyline should have been more important than making sure Rorschach’s mask blotches flowed properly or Dr. Manhattan’s blue peener was shimmery enough. The story is the power and the beauty of Watchmen. That unfortunately felt like it got lost in the focus on the effects. Also, I feel like if I hadn’t already read the novel, I would have been lost because so much exposition had been peeled away (again, though, the movie was almost 3 butt-numbing hours as it was).
Another major problem with this movie version? These superheroes shouldn’t possess super powers. That was one of the most important truths of the original novel: Minus Dr. Manhattan, they’re just everyday people who slap on masks and go after the baddies. These movie Watchmen? All that fancy footwork and concrete-cracking fighting action looks fantastic…but it’s wrong. They’re supposed to be like us. I don’t know about you, though, but if someone slammed my head into a countertop, I don’t think I’d be getting back up any time soon. I also don’t have the ability to punch someone’s humerus hard enough to cause it to shatter through their skin. Maybe it’s time I started working on that…
The key to making this movie really click right from the start was Rorschach. That’s where it began to unravel for me. Jackie, Christian Bale is going to kick your ass if you don’t give him back his shit Batman voice. Seriously, this was the most distracting voiceover since the original cut of Blade Runner. Otherwise, I suppose Haley was okay…but I’m pissed with him for being the new Freddy Krueger, so I don’t want to say anything else nice about him.
Other casting choices? Jeffrey Dean Morgan was spot-on as the Comedian. Patrick Wilson was brilliant as the second Nite Owl. Matt Frewer was almost unrecognizable as Moloch. All the others? Meh. I don’t much care for Billy Crudup as either an actor or a person. Matthew Goode? Sorry, but no one’s going to be looking upon his Ozymandias and despairing any time soon.
Also, Malin, honey. Yes, you’re lovely. Now put your tsitskas back into your Silk Spectre costume and go get some acting lessons. Oh, and Lucy Lawless would like you to know that, no, you can’t have the part of Xena. That’s still hers.
Now, a personal gripe with both the movie and the original source material concerning the character of Sally Jupiter, the original Silk Spectre and the new Silk Spectre’s mother. Here be spoilers from two movies, so skip the next couple of paragraphs if you’d rather not have anything ruined for you. This is more like a gripe about Hollywood’s treatment of women in storylines in general, I suppose, but I’m so very tired of being subjected to the rape or attempted rape of female characters. Note for your playbook, guys: That’s not entertaining. Plus, in this story, not only is Silk Spectre nearly raped by the Comedian (and bloodied up but good in the attempt), she returns to him later for consensual sex, which leads to the birth of the future Silk Spectre. Really? Because nothing woos a woman like having her face pummeled before it’s shoved against a pool table. Foreplay for superheroes? Or a horrible message about women really liking it rough and no “meaning Y-E-S”?
Snyder is guilty of subjecting another of his female characters to similar treatment. Lena Headey’s Queen Gorgo is raped in the movie version of 300, even though she is not in Frank Miller’s graphic novel. I think women were supposed to feel empowered when Gorgo murders her rapist and whispers as he dies a paraphrase of what he said to her as he raped her:
