Government-Restricted Stupidity

Opening line from this article that has set me on my latest rant:

Virginia drivers will face new restrictions today, when hundreds of laws take effect, including a ban on sending or reading text messages and e-mails.

This is why I hate people. Not cell phones. People. Stupid people who think it’s a good idea to compose an e-mail while roaring down the road at 80+, more often than not in some ginormous vehicle that could house the entire Lilliputian population in just the glove compartment.

Several times now I’ve nearly been unwillingly shuffled out of my mortal coil by these offenses to common sense…these mutated beings with cell phone-shaped tumors that connect one hand to the side of their head and cause the other to flail around emphatically. This, of course, means that—unless they are spectacularly well-endowed—they’re not really steering their land boats.

I would surmise that the latter is true for two reasons: 1) scientific reports have proven there is indeed an inverse relationship between genitalia size and automobile size; and 2) if they were actually steering with something, they wouldn’t be drifting into my lane like the roadkill nutsack that they are.

Anyway. Seriously, this should have been a “der” moment, not something that needed to be legally restricted. If you’re behind the wheel of a car, you really don’t need to be tapping away on a keyboard. Which brings me to my solution: Every cell phone needs to come with a tamper-proof speed-sensitive lock. If the sensor detects movement above a normal walking pace, it deactivates phone, text, and Internet features. No ifs, ands, or buts.

Is this fair to those who can multi-task? First off, most people who believe they can multi-task are just people with severe ADD who start several different things at once and never finish any of them…most often because in the end they’re distracted by texting with their BFF. People who actually can multi-task understand that it’s not for every situation. Top of the list of inappropriate places should be behind the wheel of a freakin’ car.

Is this fair to non-drivers in a car? No. But we obviously are too childish in our intellectual development to understand that just because the passenger can e-mail while you’re driving, that doesn’t mean that you should be able to do the same. So, just like bedraggled parents who are sick and tired of dealing with whiny children, we’re going to have to go with the “If one of you can’t play nicely, then none of you can play” response.

I figure it’s either this or allowing Darwinian survival of the fittest take over. And while I’m all for tidying up the gene pool a bit, I’d rather not find myself in future Russian roulette situations in which I’m staring down the gold-plated trim of a Cadillac Escalade being driven by Blabby McDumbass.