News

Complete and Total Barf-O-Rama

~ lobablanca
Brought to you by Lactaid Fast Act!
Brought to you by Lactaid Fast Act!

I haven’t really brought you much in the way of useful information lately, have I? My bad. So here’s a little advice from your friendly neighborhood Loba: Don’t trust Lactaid Fast Act.

For those who don’t know, Lactaid is a non-FDA-approved over-the-counter pill marketed to those with lactose intolerance. It’s designed to provide the body with the enzyme lactase, which said intolerant people lack, to break down lactose properly.

What the makers of Lactaid fail to mention is that some people will have a very negative reaction to this pill. And by negative, I mean the pill will make those people reenact the “Barf-O-Rama” scene from Stand By Me.

Thank the Prophets I’m not a lactose-intolerant person (although I can be somewhat judgmental of cheeses based solely on their wax color). However, I have witnessed the agony of Lactaid-induced stomach exorcism twice now by a denizen whose name will be withheld to protect the nauseous.

It’s quite disconcerting on many levels, I can assure you.

The really scary part is that this side effect didn’t manifest itself immediately. Said denizen was able to take Lactaid twice and have nothing but positive results. The third time, however, was most assuredly not a charm…unless you find projectile vomiting to be charming. If you do, you’re a bit dirty in a bad, bad way. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the fourth time that the puzzle pieces clicked into place and Lactaid was revealed to be the culprit.

The culprit box of Lactaid, however, said nothing about possible side effects including channeling Regan’s Captain Howdy demon. I get that this might deter people from buying your product, but as a company, shouldn’t the safety of your targeted consumers be more important to you than your bottom line? After all, I’ve read accounts of parents giving these pills to their children, and it affected them in similar or worse ways. Shouldn’t this company be held accountable?

Ha, yeah, I know. I forgot for a minute what I was saying. That won’t happen again, promise.

So, there you go. If you’re lactose-intolerant, you might want to keep holding out for that miracle fix. I’m here to tell you that Lactaid ain’t it.

We’ll Clear That Right Up For You

~ lobablanca

Hey, check this out:

navalobservatory

What you’re looking at is the satellite image from Google Earth of the Naval Observatory here in Washington, D.C. Why am I showing you this? Because it’s the first time that I’ve checked out the Observatory since Obama came into office. Which means it’s the first time I’ve seen more than the equivalent of this:

navalobservatory_blur

I know it’s not that bad from this height, but when you tried to zoom in for a closer look, it all just went to hell in a messy, pixelated hand basket (and I’m a big dork when it comes to resolution issues in images). Why the blurry secrecy? The Naval Observatory is where the Vice President of the United States of America lives.

Ah…I bet you’re seeing this picture way more clearly now, aren’t you?

That’s right. Dick Cheney somehow pulled enough heft that even though we could clearly see the White House in satellite images (of course, the roof was blurred back then), we couldn’t see his house. Here’s a lovely explanation from Maureen Dowd:

The vice president, who believes in unwarranted, unlimited snooping, is so pathologically secretive that if you use Google Earth’s database to see his official residence, the view is scrambled and obscured. You can view satellite photos of the White House, the Pentagon and the Capitol – but not of the Lord of the Underworld’s lair.

Ding dong, the lord is gone. So now we can see a fairly clear image of what is now Joe Biden’s residence. I know it’s a silly trifle of a change, but for some reason it made me happy. I’m such a Google Earth geek anyway. Hours of my life can disappear in the blink of an eye when I get into this program. So it’s always been a personal irritation that I could never see this one little blip on the map.

If you’d like to share my joy, swoop on in to 38? 55’15.34″ N and 77? 03’56.73″ W in Google Earth (I think I got that right).

Dis-temper

~ lobablanca

Know what makes me tired? How so many recent events have proven that we are a society trapped in a downward spiral of uncontrolled rudeness and stupidity. What am I talking about? Why, what everyone else is talking about, of course: Joe, Kanye, and Serena, oh my!

We start out with Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst during Obama’s address to Congress. It was disrespectful, yes. Then again, so were the Democrats who booed George W. Bush during his State of the Union address in, I believe, 2005. Wilson, however, is also being labeled racist. (Those booing Democrats, in case you’re wondering, were never labeled moronists.)

I’ve gone over this one before, but apparently I’m screaming into the wind yet again. Now even former presidents are getting in on the racism tagging. To Obama’s credit, he refuses to take this tired, stale bait. Perhaps because he realizes that this is simply another smokescreen to detract our attention away from an honest debate about important issues. Kind of on the same level as death panels and tea baggers (yes, please giggle if you must at that one).

That’s what Republicans are guilty of at this juncture: not being blatantly racist. No, their specialty is fearmongering as a smokescreen to deflect attention from real issues. How do you think they convinced half the country to re-elect Dubya even though he didn’t have enough qualifications to be elected school crossing guard? Fear. “If you don’t vote for George W. Bush, the gay terrorists will invade and turn all your children into gym teachers and nancy boys! And they’ll do a FABULOUS job of it!”

Same difference now. “Obama’s health plan will mean Great Aunt Myrtle will have to be put to sleep because she’s too old! Obama’s going to personally euthanize her! Then he’s going to turn her into Soylent Green and serve her to the unemployed!”

Okay, that last part was a bit over the top…but so are the death panels. What purpose does this kind of panic serve beyond the obvious of detracting from intelligent discourse? Yeah, like we’re capable of such a thing in this country.

Actually, though, I’m derailing myself. I’m not here to talk more about the universal health care issue or all the other political piffle that’s been irritating me. It’s too early in the day to get my blood pressure that high. No, because now we move from Joe Wilson to Kanye West. I don’t want to say much about him, because he’s really not worth a lot of commentary. I’m simply acknowledging that he was a big douchewanger…yet again. But then there’s Serena Williams threatening to cram a “fucking ball” down someone’s “fucking throat.”

All righty then. Women, we still don’t make the same pay for doing the same work as a guy, but we’re now able to throw tantrums in the sports world, like the big boys do! Just like Mary Tyler Moore, looks like we’ve made it after all!

Now, of course, all three of these hotheads have apologized. It took Serena a little longer, but she finally came around (after much pushing from her agent and others within her financial inner circle, I’m sure; we mustn’t tarnish ourselves too much or the money won’t keep rolling in). And now all will be forgiven (well, at least for Kanye and Serena; Joe’s going to keep getting dragged through the racist ringer a bit longer).

But why should we accept their apologies? Better yet, why should we tolerate this kind of behavior at all? Why shouldn’t Joe Wilson be censured? Hell, why weren’t the booing Jackasses..er, Democrats from 2005 censured? It’s the State of the Union, not a pep rally! Why shouldn’t Serena Williams be told she’s out the rest of the tennis season? Yeah, she was fined. $10,000. Wow. That’s pretty much the equivalent of fining one of us mere mortals a dime.

(Why am I not trying to punish Kanye? I think he’s punishment enough, both to himself and to anyone who listens to his music.)

Why am I bothering to rant about this, as if what I say here is going to make any difference? Will Serena read this and realize the error of her ways? Will Kanye tweet me his apology for being a wanker yet again on national television? Will Joe Wilson care that a Democrat outside his jurisdiction is commenting on him? Why should he? He’s raised more than a million dollars thanks to his outburst. And Kanye got me to talk about him (because Lord knows I sure wasn’t talking about his music). And Serena? Hell, she earned $350,000 just for getting to that match where she had her little meltdown. She’s a winner no matter what the score, if you ask me.

Which, of course, no one did. But I shared anyway, because that’s the kind of wolf I am. Now it’s back to work. I promise I won’t try to shove my mouse down anyone’s throat, although if you’d like to pay me $350,000, I’ll see what I can do. I do have that infamous red-haired temper working in my favor…

If You Look Hard Enough…

~ lobablanca

You know the old adage, “anyone can be offended if they’re looking hard enough”? So there’s this poster floating around out in Los Angeles of Barack Obama as The Joker. In case you’ve missed it, here you go:

obamasocialism

Not a bad piece of PhotoShop work, no? Seems, though, that there are those out there who want to turn this into something racist. The Washington Post even dedicated an entire article to an attempt to make this into a valid argument.

Really? Way to help hammer in those final nails into journalism’s coffin, guys.

We get it. President Obama is half-Black. Why does this have to mean that every comment or criticism directed toward his presidency must stem from racism? Is this how we’re going to spend the next 4-8 years? Having to listen to droning, dimwitted pundits and witless op-ed dolts who want to ignore the chance at greater political commentary because obviously every criticism has to really be because he’s half-Black?

You know, back in my Angry BloggerTM days, I turned Bush into the Joker, too. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

I also turned Condoleeza Rice into Catwoman. Wait a minute! Obviously, this is a racist comment about her being Black…you know, because black cats are unlucky, so obviously I was implying that she’s unlucky because she’s Black. Gott in Himmel! My eyes are opened and I see that I, too, am a blatant racist! Where must I go to confess my sins?

Yeah.

Standard Operating Procedure*

~ lobablanca

When my parents moved to the Tarheel State a few years ago, they ended up with a house with a security system. My dad decided to keep the system activated. Part of the system included a little key fob, kind of like the alarm remote that comes with most cars.

One evening while my parents were sitting in their living room, watching television, there was a rather authoritative knock at their front door. My dad opened the door to a local sheriff’s deputy, who proceeded to ask my dad for photo identification indicating that he was the property’s resident and to inform my dad that he needed to check the premises.

See, it seems that while my dad was sitting in his recliner, he shifted his weight onto the alarm fob in his pocket and accidentally activated the silent alarm. Even when something like that is an accident, police are required to confirm that the people on the property when they arrive are who they say they are and that they actually belong on the property (how effective would cops be, after all, if they’d interrupted a robbery in progress but just left because the robber told them that he lived there?). It’s also SOP for the police to then confirm that the residents of the property are not being held by an actual robber and being forced to send the police away. Again, something else that makes sense.

* Not subject to change based on race, regardless of popular (or presidential) opinion.

My dad is White. I’m still positive enough to place good money on the fact that had my dad’s response been to become indignant and start talking smack about the deputy’s mother, he would have ended up cuffed and in the back of the deputy’s cruiser, not necessarily for being a rude SOB, but for preventing the deputy from doing what he was supposed to do.

And, yes, I understand the racial divide in this country. I’m actually even aware of it from the opposite side of the argument, as I grew up a minority in a predominantly Black city in a predominantly Black county. Racism just as easily flows from Black to White as it does from White to Black. I can also inform you that, yes, the word “honkey” is used outside of movies, and it is a suitable insult, both alone and when combined with other derogatory names aimed at one’s gender. So, do my experiences grant me permission to make assumptions about all Black people based on unfortunate run-ins I had while growing up? Wouldn’t that be “acting stupidly”?

I’d be interested in President Obama’s take on this question, since he deems it appropriate to provide his feedback on these matters. For the record, Mr. President, when you send my invitation to the White House, I prefer Guinness. I can even teach you how to pour a proper Black and Tan if you’d like me to. Just don’t call me honkey. I really don’t like it. Cracker, however, is acceptable, but only after the first beer.

Jackass Democrat: Marion Barry

~ lobablanca
Marion Barry: <del>Mayor</del> Criminal for Life
Marion Barry: Mayor Criminal for Life

If you haven’t already heard, Marion Barry was arrested. Again. This time it was for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, it’s another “bitch set me up” situation. It’s gotta be, because we all know that Mr. Barry is a very innocent man. Yeah.

Marion Barry is an offense to even the smarmiest of politicians (and god knows there’s never a dearth of those). Actually, he’s an offense to the smarmiest of any sub-category of human beings. He evinces a blatant disregard for any type of law, whether it be the law of “don’t smoke crack in a hotel room with an ex-girlfriend, especially when you’re the mayor of the nation’s capital city,” or the law of “if you’re going to insist on remaining in the very public political arena, you might want to pay your fucking taxes,” or even the law of “when you’re on probation for another crime, you might want to avoid testing positive for cocaine.”

Of course, this latest bust is still quite the mystery. It might actually turn out that Mr. Barry is innocent (just like all the other times). Right. Regardless of how this latest situation plays out, it doesn’t change the fact that Barry is an ass clown of the highest order, which is saying a lot when you consider the political company he has had throughout his career. He repeatedly pisses into the eyes of justice, decency, logic, and decorum with his arrogance and blatant disregard of the law. Yet he never goes away. Kind of like herpes.

I’d like to make lighter of this latest bust than I have, but I’m sick of Barry and his criminal insistence. He’s a man who could have been an amazing role model for his community and his constituents. Instead, he chooses to be the best repeat offender he can be. Way to make it into the history books, Mr. Barry.

Resigning? You Betcha!

~ lobablanca
May be running in 2012? Has someone called Tina Fey yet?
May be running in 2012? Has someone called Tina Fey yet?

Alaska Governor and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is resigning at the end of this month. She said she is doing so because she doesn’t want to be a lame duck. Well…she’s already done lame so well, I guess she just doesn’t feel she’d do justice to the duck part.

Why is she not yet a non-issue? She can’t possibly be serious about running in 2012, is she? You know what, I’m not even going to bother with coming up with any more jokes than the lame one I’ve already dropped. That last question is a big enough joke by itself.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ADDED JULY 4

Okay, so I posted the first part of this entry rather quickly last night before going out for the evening. But then I started to think about it. Why did she make this announcement on a Friday afternoon right before a holiday weekend? That’s what you do with news that you want to sweep under the rug, not celebrate. And it’s one thing to announce that you won’t be running for re-election. She’s forfeiting the game with time still left on the clock.

Seriously, all that insane babbling about having fun as a lame duck…that’s not even relevant at this point because she was still in the midst of her first term. It really makes no sense. Of course, nominating her as the VP pick for the GOP didn’t make much sense either. Maybe that’s just her modus operandi: Confuse them into voting for you.

So, is she just “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” crazy? Or is she leaving for reasons as yet undisclosed? Are there skeletons trying to break out of her igloo? Late night trysts with all those Russians she can see from her house? Or does she really think she has a shot at the 2012 GOP presidential nomination?

I’d say stay tuned, but frankly, I just want her to go away. Not only does she make women look ridiculously stupid, but she’s making the GOP look inept and flaky. Even though I’m not much on Republican love, I also don’t believe in kicking a dog when it’s down.

Government-Restricted Stupidity

~ lobablanca

Opening line from this article that has set me on my latest rant:

Virginia drivers will face new restrictions today, when hundreds of laws take effect, including a ban on sending or reading text messages and e-mails.

This is why I hate people. Not cell phones. People. Stupid people who think it’s a good idea to compose an e-mail while roaring down the road at 80+, more often than not in some ginormous vehicle that could house the entire Lilliputian population in just the glove compartment.

Several times now I’ve nearly been unwillingly shuffled out of my mortal coil by these offenses to common sense…these mutated beings with cell phone-shaped tumors that connect one hand to the side of their head and cause the other to flail around emphatically. This, of course, means that

Senator Stuart Smalley

~ lobablanca
Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and...oh, you know the rest.
Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and...oh, you know the rest.

I know that our government is backward and slow 5,000 different ways or more, but this was a bit ridiculous. The Minnesota State Supreme Court has just issued a unanimous ruling in favor of Al Franken being the winner of November’s Senate race. Yeah. November 2008. This would be the last day of June 2009.

Franken’s opponent, Norm Coleman, has been the spanner in the works ever since the November election, claiming “inconsistent practices by local elections officials and wrong decisions by a lower court had denied him victory.” There’s still a possibility that he will take this to the U.S. Supreme Court.

Remember when Al Gore wanted to protest the Florida bullshiggidy regarding miscounted votes for the 2000 presidential election and Republicans mouthed off about how he was a sore loser and he needed to just step aside and let the winner spoil the take…er, take the spoils? I guess Republicans are of the “do as I say and not as I do” generation.

(Not that I’m in any way insinuating that this is the same situation in reverse; truth be told, I haven’t really been following the meat and potatoes of this race. I just know that it’s been dragging on for forever. I’m sure, though, that Rush and Ann and Sean will all be able to update me on how “the fix is in.”)

Personally, I don’t really know how I would feel about having a former Saturday Night Live writer/performer as my new U.S. Senator. Then again, Minnesota did vote for a former WWE wrestler for their governor. And, hell, we as a nation did vote for a former actor to be U.S. President for 8 years. Well, “we” not meaning me. If I hadn’t been only 3 years old the year Reagan first ran for president, you can be sure I wouldn’t have voted for him.

I’ll be interested to see what Mr. Franken does now that he is theoretically heading to Washington, D.C. And I’ll be sure to take him a nice Bundt cake as a housewarming gift.