When did the word “alumni” become both the singular and plural form of itself? I’m just wondering, because obviously it had to happen at some point without my knowledge. After all, that seems to me to be the only logical explanation for why colleges and universities all across the United States issue “Alumni of” merchandise. I’m sure those of you here in the practice colonies have seen this on a regular basis, on bumper stickers, window clings, license plate holders…et cetera ad nauseum.

Here’s the problem: Unless your name is Sybil or you’re part of the Borg Collective, you’re not an alumni. You’re either an alumnus (for boys) or an alumna (for girls). The only time you’re alumni is when you’re part of a group of people who graduated from the same school…unless you’re a girl and part of a group of all-girl graduates. Then you’re alumnae.

Yes, it does get complicated. But not really. Not if you’ve received proper schooling on the matter, which I always thought was the purpose of earning a college degree in the first place. So what does it say that our own institutions of higher education can’t even be bothered to get right something as simple as this?

To be fair, I have seen merchandise with the correct word used. I’ve even seen merchandise imprinted with “Alumna,” which was most impressive. These instances are few and far between, though.

Okay, semantics rant over for now. I are finished.