We’ll Clear That Right Up For You

~ lobablanca

Hey, check this out:

navalobservatory

What you’re looking at is the satellite image from Google Earth of the Naval Observatory here in Washington, D.C. Why am I showing you this? Because it’s the first time that I’ve checked out the Observatory since Obama came into office. Which means it’s the first time I’ve seen more than the equivalent of this:

navalobservatory_blur

I know it’s not that bad from this height, but when you tried to zoom in for a closer look, it all just went to hell in a messy, pixelated hand basket (and I’m a big dork when it comes to resolution issues in images). Why the blurry secrecy? The Naval Observatory is where the Vice President of the United States of America lives.

Ah…I bet you’re seeing this picture way more clearly now, aren’t you?

That’s right. Dick Cheney somehow pulled enough heft that even though we could clearly see the White House in satellite images (of course, the roof was blurred back then), we couldn’t see his house. Here’s a lovely explanation from Maureen Dowd:

The vice president, who believes in unwarranted, unlimited snooping, is so pathologically secretive that if you use Google Earth’s database to see his official residence, the view is scrambled and obscured. You can view satellite photos of the White House, the Pentagon and the Capitol – but not of the Lord of the Underworld’s lair.

Ding dong, the lord is gone. So now we can see a fairly clear image of what is now Joe Biden’s residence. I know it’s a silly trifle of a change, but for some reason it made me happy. I’m such a Google Earth geek anyway. Hours of my life can disappear in the blink of an eye when I get into this program. So it’s always been a personal irritation that I could never see this one little blip on the map.

If you’d like to share my joy, swoop on in to 38? 55’15.34″ N and 77? 03’56.73″ W in Google Earth (I think I got that right).

50BC09: Book Number 34

~ lobablanca

fmttps

I love Dick.

What? Why are you giggling? There’s nothing wrong with expressing my love for Philip K. Dick! He is very near the top of my list of favorite authors. Hell, I even like most of the movies that Hollywood has churned out based on his stories. Blade Runner, in fact, is one of my all-time favorite films ever.

[On a tangentially nerdy track, I always wanted someone to ask Lieutenant Commander Data, “Do androids dream of electric sheep?” Sadly, no one ever did.]

For these reasons, I was quite excited to read Flow My Tears, The Policeman Said. In this story, singer and celebrity Jason Taverner goes from being one of the most popular stars on television to being completely unknown overnight. Literally. No one recognizes him, his wallet is empty of all identification…his birth certificate isn’t even on record. He is no one, which is highly dangerous in the dystopian future in which Taverner lives. To be “no one” means that the pols (police in this book) can do with you whatever they wish, which usually means labor camps or other forms of class-based detention and abuse.

This, of course, would not do for Taverner, who as a “Six,” a genetically enhanced class of Human, is used to having his every whim met. Now, he can’t even find one person from his past who recognizes who he is…or rather, was.

For a book written in 1974, this story was quite on-target regarding the inescapable surveillance that we now find ourselves surrounded by on a daily basis. Like Orwell before him, Dick had a frightening grasp of how technology could impinge upon our lives in Big Brother-esque ways, and of how socio-economic status would become an insurmountable obstacle that would wall in the poor and lock them away from the “better” parts of society.

Out of curiosity, I went to IMDb to see what’s next on tap for Dick’s stories, and this is one of the books they’re turning into a movie. Strangely, they’re also remaking Total Recall, which was inspired by Dick’s story “We Can Remember It for You Wholesale.” Depending on who they cast in the movie version of this book, it could very well be a decent film, especially since it is so very action-oriented. Of course, we are talking about Hollywood. They’ll cast Justin Timberlake as Jason Taverner and Megan Fox as Heather Hart…and my inner geek will shed bitter tears for the horror of it all.

Final score: 4/5. I’m going to take away a point for the creepiness of a plot twist that unraveled toward the end of the book, but that’s just my own silliness. Also, the ending was a bit too abrupt and tidy. Otherwise, this was yet another amazing Dick experience. Do with that whatever you will.

And thus ends my catch-up posts from all the books I read at the beach. I only hope this boost will be enough to keep me on-target for my 50 book goal. Keep your fingers crossed, denizens!

50BC09: Book Number 33

~ lobablanca

genesis

No, not the first book of the Bible. This Genesis comes from the mind of Kiwi sci-fi author Bernard Beckett.

It’s a quick tale that I read in pretty much one sitting. The premise is that we are watching in as the main character, Anaximander, is taking the equivalent of her board entrance exam for admission to the Academy. So we get to hear not only her presentation on one of her people’s greatest historical figures, but we are also made privy to her internal conflicts, worries, and pride regarding said presentation.

Doesn’t that sound like fun reading?

I’m probably not doing it proper justice, but I can’t really say much about this one. It has a bit of a twist to it, which I’d rather not give away. It’s a bit of a cliched twist for the science fiction world, but Beckett handles it well enough to keep it fresh and entertaining. Plus, like I already said, this was an incredibly fast read, so you don’t feel like you’ve wasted any time in reading it.

Whether or not you feel as though you’ve gained anything from it once you are finished is more than likely dependent upon how much science fiction you’ve read previously. If not a lot, then this might be new for you. And if you’re an old hand at devouring sci-fi stories, this still might be an enjoyable diversion.

Final score: 2.5/5. Nice, middle-of-the-road storytelling, and a pleasant diversion for a rainy day.

Perfectly Profitable Purell Pandemic

~ lobablanca
Because nothing is sexier than Eau de Purell
Because nothing is sexier than Eau de Purell

Damn but I wish I’d bought some Johnson & Johnson stock recently.

So you know those plastic containers that you find in convenience stores, usually filled with fun stuff like atomic fireballs or Jolly Ranchers? These containers are all over my work. Every floor. At the reception desk. In the kitchen. Everywhere. Only instead of being filled with groovy candy, they’re filled with tiny bottles of Purell. My company has also installed automatic Purell dispensers near the elevators and the restrooms.

We are ready, mo’ fo’!

For what, exactly? Apparently, for the inevitable swine flu pandemic. This is Phase I. I’m not really sure what Phase II is going to be. Actually, I’m not completely sure about Phase I. What are we supposed to do with all these little bottles of Purell? If my office mate starts to sneeze too much, am I supposed to squirt Purell all over her? Will that kill the H1N1 virus? Will it ruin her clothes? Will male coworkers stop and watch?

Hmm.

I don’t know why we go to such extremes over the silliest things. It’s the flu, people. We go through flu season every year. This is simply another strain of the flu of which we need to be aware. Caution is required. But not panic. Or “pandemic.” Although I’m sure that the hand sanitizer folks couldn’t be happier right now. It’s like the perfect marketing storm for them. Same for the cleaning supply folks. Bet those Clorox wipes haven’t flown off the shelves this fast in years.

Not that I would ever imply that companies would rejoice over profits made from undue bouts of mass hysteria…

Flashback Friday: Roller Coasters

~ lobablanca

I was originally going to do this on amusement parks in general. Then I realized, I actually hate amusement parks. The food is mediocre and over-priced. The games are cheesy (but the prizes are sometimes nice). And there are tons of people.

I hate people.

But…I love roller coasters. LOVE roller coasters. You know the dorks who stand in line even longer than everyone else so they can ride in the first car? I’m one of them.

Of course, I haven’t been one of “them” in a very long time. I used to go to King’s Dominion a minimum of 10 times every summer. I was a season pass cardholder. Some summers, I went either every weekend or every other weekend. My BFF and her mom were just as addicted as me (yes, this would be my friend and her mother of the “sleepover” flashback).

I don’t really know how to explain the addiction. There’s just something unbelievable about that free-fall feeling. I love the flip-flopping, the heart racing, the breathlessness of it all. I’m also the one who stares out the plane window each time we take off (conversely, I hate driving across bridges; if I went to a psychiatrist, they’d have a field day with me, fo’ sho’).

The very first coaster I ever rode was King’s Dominion’s Grizzly. It’s one of only three wooden coasters at the park, and it is a bear of a ride (just humor me and laugh). I was 7 years old and had gone to the park for the first time with my parents and my mother’s oldest sister and her family. I was barely tall enough to get onto the ride, but they let me on with my aunt. I remember the first couple of hills and the tunnel…and that’s about it. I don’t know whether I blacked out or simply slammed my eyes shut and blocked the rest from my memory. All I do know is that when my dad wanted me to go on the next ride with him, I started to cry at the thought of having to ride another coaster. So I haven’t always been a fan 😉 Obviously, I quickly got over that fear.

Here’s a video of riding in the front seat of the Grizzly. It gets quite jittery, so if you get motion sick easily, you might want to skip this one. But this video also gives you a nice view of the Hurler, a Wayne’s World-themed wooden coaster that’s pretty shweet, the Xtreme SkyFlyer, which is a metal arch from which you can bungee swing (very awesome but costs extra), and the park’s mini-Eiffel Tower.

My favorite modern roller coaster at King’s Dominion is the Volcano. This is a linear induction-launched inverted steel coaster. All that mouthful means is that this coaster is able to launch instantaneously at a rate of 70 mph. The “inverted” part means that your upper body is harnessed and your feet are dangling. Oh, and when the Volcano launches you up, it shoots you through a ring of fire and immediately flips you so, like Steven Tyler sings, “your feet are flying up in the air,” to bring you down from your upward trajectory. Tell me that doesn’t sound awesome?

Here’s a video of riding in the front car of the Volcano. Again, it’s jittery. The part that this video misses is that great moment of antici…pation right at the beginning of the ride. The train slowly leaves the station toward a bend in the track. The moment the last car turns this bend, the trains shoots out at its full 70 mph. From the front car, that wait seems interminable, but the adrenaline rush when it happens is worth the price of admission each and every time.

I also love the Volcano for sentimental reasons. The exterior of the ride has actually been at the park almost since it opened in 1975. It used to house three rides: Haunted River, which was a log flume ride, Smurf Mountain, which was a kiddy ride that would slowly meander through different animatronic scenes of Smurfs at work, at play, and being tormented by Gargamel and Azrael, and the Time Shaft, which sounds dirty but was actually a rotor “flat ride” in which you all entered the circular room, and stood against the wall. The door would shut, the room would start to spin, forcing everyone against the wall with the centrifugal force, and then the floor would drop down about 4 feet. I loved the Time Shaft and was heart-broken when they removed it. But Volcano helped soothe the ache.

Hmm. I guess I should have called this flashback “King’s Dominion.” I’ve only ridden coasters here and at Busch Gardens Williamsburg. Busch Gardens was fun, but since I’ve only been once, I don’t really have a good impression of those rides. My only regret is that Drachen Fire was closed when I finally went here…and then a year later it was dismantled. If you don’t know the history of Drachen Fire, check it out in Wikipedia. Talk about a big effing disappointment to that park.

Looks like King’s Dominion has added several new rides since the last time I was there. I haven’t been since probably summer of 2000. Truth is, the grossness of the people became a greater turn-off than the joy I always experienced on the roller coasters. People spat while on the rides or in the sky cars that ran from one side of the park to the other (the park actually removed the sky cars because of how many people spitting and dumping drinks on people below). The crowds grew increasingly rude and aggressive, and then metal detectors appeared at the entrances. That was around the time that I decided I hate people way more than I love roller coasters.

Still, I do miss that feeling. Maybe next summer I’ll take a trip right when the park opens for weekday use. Maybe I can sneak in before the grossness arrives and recapture some of that free-fall fun I used to have when I was a pup.

50BC09: Book Number 32

~ lobablanca

VForVendetta

Alan Moore always hates the movies based on his graphic novels, so much so that he refuses to be listed in the credits anymore. I can’t say I blame him. The last time he was credited was on the movie version of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. That would have been enough to get me to protest Hollywood using my name.

Moore was so disgusted by the movie version of V for Vendetta that he refused to accept any money from it. I think he received money from Watchmen, but I’m not certain.

All that being said, I must admit that I know I am very much in the minority with what I’m about to say: I loved the movie version of V for Vendetta. I’ve seen it about seven times, and I love it more with each viewing. It’s not necessarily that I love the acting, although I do loves me some Hugo Weaving. I didn’t mind Natalie Portman, but I do think that if it’s a movie taking place in England, you might want to spring for at least one English actor for the leads (although Weaving just gets under the wire by being awesomely Aussie).

What I love most about the movie are the ideas and concepts

Dis-temper

~ lobablanca

Know what makes me tired? How so many recent events have proven that we are a society trapped in a downward spiral of uncontrolled rudeness and stupidity. What am I talking about? Why, what everyone else is talking about, of course: Joe, Kanye, and Serena, oh my!

We start out with Rep. Joe Wilson’s outburst during Obama’s address to Congress. It was disrespectful, yes. Then again, so were the Democrats who booed George W. Bush during his State of the Union address in, I believe, 2005. Wilson, however, is also being labeled racist. (Those booing Democrats, in case you’re wondering, were never labeled moronists.)

I’ve gone over this one before, but apparently I’m screaming into the wind yet again. Now even former presidents are getting in on the racism tagging. To Obama’s credit, he refuses to take this tired, stale bait. Perhaps because he realizes that this is simply another smokescreen to detract our attention away from an honest debate about important issues. Kind of on the same level as death panels and tea baggers (yes, please giggle if you must at that one).

That’s what Republicans are guilty of at this juncture: not being blatantly racist. No, their specialty is fearmongering as a smokescreen to deflect attention from real issues. How do you think they convinced half the country to re-elect Dubya even though he didn’t have enough qualifications to be elected school crossing guard? Fear. “If you don’t vote for George W. Bush, the gay terrorists will invade and turn all your children into gym teachers and nancy boys! And they’ll do a FABULOUS job of it!”

Same difference now. “Obama’s health plan will mean Great Aunt Myrtle will have to be put to sleep because she’s too old! Obama’s going to personally euthanize her! Then he’s going to turn her into Soylent Green and serve her to the unemployed!”

Okay, that last part was a bit over the top…but so are the death panels. What purpose does this kind of panic serve beyond the obvious of detracting from intelligent discourse? Yeah, like we’re capable of such a thing in this country.

Actually, though, I’m derailing myself. I’m not here to talk more about the universal health care issue or all the other political piffle that’s been irritating me. It’s too early in the day to get my blood pressure that high. No, because now we move from Joe Wilson to Kanye West. I don’t want to say much about him, because he’s really not worth a lot of commentary. I’m simply acknowledging that he was a big douchewanger…yet again. But then there’s Serena Williams threatening to cram a “fucking ball” down someone’s “fucking throat.”

All righty then. Women, we still don’t make the same pay for doing the same work as a guy, but we’re now able to throw tantrums in the sports world, like the big boys do! Just like Mary Tyler Moore, looks like we’ve made it after all!

Now, of course, all three of these hotheads have apologized. It took Serena a little longer, but she finally came around (after much pushing from her agent and others within her financial inner circle, I’m sure; we mustn’t tarnish ourselves too much or the money won’t keep rolling in). And now all will be forgiven (well, at least for Kanye and Serena; Joe’s going to keep getting dragged through the racist ringer a bit longer).

But why should we accept their apologies? Better yet, why should we tolerate this kind of behavior at all? Why shouldn’t Joe Wilson be censured? Hell, why weren’t the booing Jackasses..er, Democrats from 2005 censured? It’s the State of the Union, not a pep rally! Why shouldn’t Serena Williams be told she’s out the rest of the tennis season? Yeah, she was fined. $10,000. Wow. That’s pretty much the equivalent of fining one of us mere mortals a dime.

(Why am I not trying to punish Kanye? I think he’s punishment enough, both to himself and to anyone who listens to his music.)

Why am I bothering to rant about this, as if what I say here is going to make any difference? Will Serena read this and realize the error of her ways? Will Kanye tweet me his apology for being a wanker yet again on national television? Will Joe Wilson care that a Democrat outside his jurisdiction is commenting on him? Why should he? He’s raised more than a million dollars thanks to his outburst. And Kanye got me to talk about him (because Lord knows I sure wasn’t talking about his music). And Serena? Hell, she earned $350,000 just for getting to that match where she had her little meltdown. She’s a winner no matter what the score, if you ask me.

Which, of course, no one did. But I shared anyway, because that’s the kind of wolf I am. Now it’s back to work. I promise I won’t try to shove my mouse down anyone’s throat, although if you’d like to pay me $350,000, I’ll see what I can do. I do have that infamous red-haired temper working in my favor…

50BC09: Book Number 31

~ lobablanca

cfwishfuldrinking

Brett Butler, one of my all-time favorite comedians, after a particularly…vivid story about her adolescence, looked into the audience, smiled that devilish, dimpled smile of hers, and stated, “I’ve lived quite a life, haven’t I?” For all intents and purposes, that line could have doubled as the subtitle to Carrie Fisher’s memoir, Wishful Drinking (consequently, Fisher gets bonus points for the clever twist of a title).

The book also earns extra points for the cover design. Look at it! The way Fisher’s name and the book title are tilted in a style reminiscent of the scroll at the beginning of all the Star Wars movies. And look at Princess Leia, with her empty martini glass and pile of blue pills. See? Neo was right to take the red pill after all.

The really great thing is that the inside of the book is just as clever and just as humorous as the outside. Fisher is quite honest about the mess that is her life, about the mistakes she’s made, and the path that she continues to carve for herself. She’s also honest about the fact that her path is now one of confusion and self-discovery ever since electroshock therapy muddled her mind and shorted out a lot of her memories.

I’ll give you a moment to mull over that last bit…

Like I said, she’s quite honest. I know that Fisher has had a lot of problems throughout her life, including severe depression and addiction problems. The fact that she is so straightforward about all of this and doesn’t try to make excuses or pass blame is refreshing. Besides, she’s Princess Leia Organa. She fought the dark side in a metal bikini and made out with her brother. How could that not complicate anyone’s life?

Final score: 3.5/5. Another quick, funny beach read that will help pass the time between low and high tide.

50BC09: Book Number 30

~ lobablanca

ws_yeahsaid

Did she really just say that? Yeah, she did. That’s the kind of woman Wanda Sykes is. What did she say, you might ask? Just about anything you can imagine…and some stuff you can’t believe.

Wanda Sykes is so completely off the chain in an uproariously provocative way. And while her language might be a bit blue at times, she’s always funny, always thoughtful, and always honest. I think that’s what helps her not only stay in the stand-up game, but stay relatively at the top. Not an easy feat if you think about it, especially considering how far stand-up comedy has fallen from its halcyon days of popularity in the mid-90s.

True to form for a lot of books written by stand-up comics, Yeah, I Said It contains a lot of things that later found their way into some of Sykes’s routines, especially her HBO special, Sick and Tired. But the familiar sections are scattered throughout and significantly built upon, so even if you think you know where she’s heading, she’ll usually take you that little bit farther…or in a completely new direction that’s just as enjoyable as the road you thought you were heading down.

Final score: 3.5/5. This was perfect beach material: Quick, funny, not too deep, but still will get you thinking.