Damn that new Retro TV channel. It’s reminded me of one of my deepest and still burning television loves: Knight Rider.

How do I love thee, Knight Industries Two Thousand? Let me count the ways.

The only lunchbox that I saved from my childhood is my Knight Rider lunchbox:

Look at that sexy “mullet-fro” on Michael Knight! And Bonnie! Apparently, even with a horrible case of jaundice, Dr. Barstow was still the best mechanic to call when K.I.T.T. needed maintenance work (take that, April Curtis!). Amazingly enough, I even still have the accompanying thermos. I did not, however, have the courage to open said thermos. Prophets only know if I had the forethought to clean it before I packed this away in my geekanalia collection (and I used to always drink milk with lunch…that’s a mess of potential nasty I didn’t want to subject myself to).

I also had to have any toy replica of K.I.T.T. that I could find (and that my parents would buy for me). I’m a sucker for a shiny, sexy car (ask me about my Corvette fetish sometime). And, let’s face it, K.I.T.T. was damn sexy. Sleek, dark, and shiny, with a “come hither” sparkle in his ruby scanner that was simply irresistible.

I still have most of the K.I.T.T. cars that my parents bought me, including a Burnin’ Key Car version that I used to shoot at my dog when she was asleep. Yes, I’m sure those instances are extra bricks in the wide and twisting path to my personal circle of hell.

My prized toy, however, is the talking K.I.T.T. that was the best birthday present EVAR when I was a kid. Manufactured by Kenner, this was a large-scale model of that gorgeous black Trans Am that came with an admittedly inferior Michael Knight action figure (but, really, it wasn’t about Michael, was it?). The awesome feature of this car was the fact that, when you depressed the “KNIGHT” license plate on the back, K.I.T.T. talked to you! I wish I could remember what he said, but unfortunately my K.I.T.T.’s voice died not long after I received him. I’ve taken him apart several times through the years, trying to figure out what’s wrong with him. I’m mechanically inclined, but apparently I’m no Bonnie Barstow.

When I was a kid, I spent a disgusting amount of time polishing my K.I.T.T. With Pledge furniture polish and Q-Tips. My OCD issues have been a keystone of my personality for a very long time, thank you. As you can see in this photo, he hasn’t been polished in a while. But he’s still shiny and sleek and not bad looking at all for a nearly 30-year-old toy.

What else? The first ring tone I ever bought was the Knight Rider theme. I love this theme. It has the same wonderfully Pavlovian hold on me as those brassy, bawdy TNG tones. And, no, I’ve never bought the TNG theme for any of my phones. Only Knight Rider. Okay, and maybe the Pink Panther theme…but that’s for a completely different blog entry.

I have a remix version on my iPod that I play often while driving. Probably not the best thing to listen to while driving Sammy, but it’s probably better than listening to the soundtrack to Carmageddon 3, no? Here, though, is the theme as it appeared at the beginning of the show, including the wonderful voiceover work about “a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist.”

Mmm. Give me a moment…

Yeah, what more can I say? I loved this show. And Retro TV is teaching me that I still love it. How do you not love a show about a car that can talk to you, has ejector seats, a turbo boost, “super pursuit mode,” bullet-proof exterior, “silent mode,” a grappling hook, oil jets, a flame thrower, scanners, scopes, a “passive laser restraint system,” and a whole bunch of other groovy additions that I know I’m forgetting? K.I.T.T. was the S.H.I.Z.N.I.T.

More evidence of this? You know you’ve made it into the lexicon of cinema cool when the Mythbusters take you on:

I didn’t watch the Knight Rider 2000 movie they made in the early 90s. I read about it later, and I’m glad I spared myself that trauma. I did try to watch the Team Knight Rider series later that decade…but I think it’s a fair assessment to say that watching clothes tumbling around in a dryer is more exciting and entertaining. Same with the recent attempt to remake the original show. As much as I love Mustangs, the newer models look a bit craptacular. And the awkward position of Val K.I.T.T.mer’s scanner made him look to me like he had light-up nostrils. NOT sexy.

I know there’s a theatrical version now in the works. I’m not really holding my breath there either. No, as long as I’ve got my classic car and the Knighty awesomeness of David Hasslehoff’s mullet-fro, I’m good as gold.

Now excuse me…I’ve got to go measure Sammy’s front bumper. Gotta make sure there’s room up there for that turbo boost component and ruby red scanner I ordered for him…