Dear Amazon.com,
Hi. How have you been? I’ve been watching you on the Internet…no, wait! Not like that. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay since I left you. And it seems that you’re doing fine without me…great, even.

Me? I’m not so good. See, it’s taken me a while to realize how stupid it was for me to break up with you. We worked well together, Amazon…and I was too stupid to see that before I went and made the decision to end the best thing I had going for me. I’m slow like that. Guess that’s why people who do business with just me find that they’re stuck waiting WAY THE HELL TOO LONG for their stuff to reach them. Kind of like that whiny hater LobaBlanca, who is still waiting for an order she placed more than a week ago. I’m afraid she might do something drastic, like try to make me look bad on her blog.

Remember how quickly my orders would get out when I was with you? Because, baby, you were on top of it all back then, and I didn’t have a worry in the world. Your trusted name was getting me more play than Paris Hilton’s sex tape at a frat party. But those days are obviously over. I’m trying to do it on my own, and, baby, it’s hard! On top of my shitty shipping service, you know how overpriced my inventory is, especially in comparison with yours…

I need you, Amazon! Baby, I never should have left you two years ago. It’s taken me all this time to realize this (see? I really am slow!). I wish I could change that decision, that we could go back to the way things used to be. But it is what it is, right? I just wanted you to know that I realize now how good I had it once, when I was sailing along down the Amazon.

Take care of yourself, Babe.
Love always,
Borders Books, Music and Movies