Captioning Horror

~ lobablanca

Will Smith, second from right, walks on a street in Beijing. His son Jaden is co-starring with Jackie Chan in a remake of The Karate Kid called Kung Fu Kid. Dad Will is a co-producer of the film.

See, the actual photo that matches this caption doesn’t even matter. It’s a craptacularly grainy paparazzi shot that really would only appeal to the most die-hard Will Smith fans. I am not one of those people.

I am, however, one of what I’m sure are thousands (possibly even millions) of people horrified by this caption. Kung Fu Kid? Are you friggin’ kidding me? Please, someone sweep the leg before Hollywood remakes every movie ever made.

As pathetic as it is, though, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We keep going to these remakes, reboots, regurgitations, re-whatevers. All Hollywood needs to see is even the slightest glimmer of a profit and they’re convinced they’ve got a winning formula. Doesn’t matter that the formula tastes about as disgusting as pabulum, as long as we keep swallowing it, they’re going to keep mixing it up.

I think one of the most disheartening remakes that I have heard of recently is A Nightmare on Elm Street. I think that recent remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th have proven that more is less, and lightning really doesn’t strike more than once (with the exception of Star Trek: The Next Generation, of course).

I suspect I’m not the target audience anymore anyway. Actually, I suspect I never have been the target audience of anyone beyond places like Intergalactic Trading Company and Diamond Select Toys. It is what it is. Here, however, is my own crack at captioning another shot I passed across during my pre-work Interwebz perambulation. Hope you enjoy!

<img src="http://www.lobablanca.com/blog09/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/blanchfox.jpg" alt="Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats…” title=”blanchfox” width=”424″ height=”459″ class=”aligncenter size-full wp-image-1247″ />
Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats...

Webmaster? Stain Master!

~ lobablanca

Ever wonder why the Berber carpet used in most office workplaces is the most heinous looking kaleidoscope weave imaginable? It’s so when your red-dyed soda explodes all over the place the minute you pop the tab, no one’s really going to notice. It just blends right in with all the other garish color splotches. Who knows, maybe that’s how they make this carpet in the first place.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, this post was brought to you by the word “Procrastination.”

spilldoctor

50BC09: Book Number 21

~ lobablanca

golfmonster

Gather round, kiddies, for this fiendish tale spun for you from the depths of your Uncle Alice’s darkest nightmares!

Okay, maybe not. The book is called Golf Monster after all. You know Alice is a huge golf junkie now, right? That was the whole “Fairway to Heaven” reference in my last BC entry. He used to be a drunk, and then he replaced his alcohol addiction with a HUGE golf jones. Seriously. He plays at least 18 holes almost every day, no matter where he happens to be.

Of course, I love Alice Cooper. I love his music. I love his camp. I love his snakes (real snakes, you dirty buggers!). I love his speech about Milwaukee in Wayne’s World. He is teh awesome. Therefore, take my review of his book with that caveat as an ap

Tone of Everyday

~ lobablanca

This video is proof that you don’t have to understand the lyrics to really enjoy the experience. This is one of the most amazing and amusing music videos I’ve seen in a while.

Cap-Sac?

~ lobablanca

ross_sac

Cap-Sac: It’s a Fanny Pack for Your Head.

Is it just me, or is this the most oversexed product ever? Especially if you take into consideration what “fanny” means over in jolly old England.

Even without the added U.K. slang dirtiness bonus, I don’t really like the idea of wearing a “sac” on my head. Especially when one of the big draws is that the cap tucks up into its own sac. Hmm. Buffalo Bill as accessory inspiration? Marinate on that image for a minute while you rub the lotion on your skin; I’ll wait.

😮

Everything about this product screams 1980s nostalgia almost as loudly as Mr. Chapstick up there in the photo. The hats come in a variety of the most garish day-glo colors imaginable, including a neon yellow almost exactly the same color as one of my favorite hats from my early teens (I wore a lot of hats when I was young; I still do, but they’re more metaphorical than literal now…haha).

I don’t really have much else to say about this product. So I’ll just let the (NSFW) Cap-Sac Rappers take us on out…peace out.

Jackass Democrat: Marion Barry

~ lobablanca
Marion Barry: <del>Mayor</del> Criminal for Life
Marion Barry: Mayor Criminal for Life

If you haven’t already heard, Marion Barry was arrested. Again. This time it was for stalking his ex-girlfriend. Apparently, it’s another “bitch set me up” situation. It’s gotta be, because we all know that Mr. Barry is a very innocent man. Yeah.

Marion Barry is an offense to even the smarmiest of politicians (and god knows there’s never a dearth of those). Actually, he’s an offense to the smarmiest of any sub-category of human beings. He evinces a blatant disregard for any type of law, whether it be the law of “don’t smoke crack in a hotel room with an ex-girlfriend, especially when you’re the mayor of the nation’s capital city,” or the law of “if you’re going to insist on remaining in the very public political arena, you might want to pay your fucking taxes,” or even the law of “when you’re on probation for another crime, you might want to avoid testing positive for cocaine.”

Of course, this latest bust is still quite the mystery. It might actually turn out that Mr. Barry is innocent (just like all the other times). Right. Regardless of how this latest situation plays out, it doesn’t change the fact that Barry is an ass clown of the highest order, which is saying a lot when you consider the political company he has had throughout his career. He repeatedly pisses into the eyes of justice, decency, logic, and decorum with his arrogance and blatant disregard of the law. Yet he never goes away. Kind of like herpes.

I’d like to make lighter of this latest bust than I have, but I’m sick of Barry and his criminal insistence. He’s a man who could have been an amazing role model for his community and his constituents. Instead, he chooses to be the best repeat offender he can be. Way to make it into the history books, Mr. Barry.

Resigning? You Betcha!

~ lobablanca
May be running in 2012? Has someone called Tina Fey yet?
May be running in 2012? Has someone called Tina Fey yet?

Alaska Governor and former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin is resigning at the end of this month. She said she is doing so because she doesn’t want to be a lame duck. Well…she’s already done lame so well, I guess she just doesn’t feel she’d do justice to the duck part.

Why is she not yet a non-issue? She can’t possibly be serious about running in 2012, is she? You know what, I’m not even going to bother with coming up with any more jokes than the lame one I’ve already dropped. That last question is a big enough joke by itself.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ADDED JULY 4

Okay, so I posted the first part of this entry rather quickly last night before going out for the evening. But then I started to think about it. Why did she make this announcement on a Friday afternoon right before a holiday weekend? That’s what you do with news that you want to sweep under the rug, not celebrate. And it’s one thing to announce that you won’t be running for re-election. She’s forfeiting the game with time still left on the clock.

Seriously, all that insane babbling about having fun as a lame duck…that’s not even relevant at this point because she was still in the midst of her first term. It really makes no sense. Of course, nominating her as the VP pick for the GOP didn’t make much sense either. Maybe that’s just her modus operandi: Confuse them into voting for you.

So, is she just “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” crazy? Or is she leaving for reasons as yet undisclosed? Are there skeletons trying to break out of her igloo? Late night trysts with all those Russians she can see from her house? Or does she really think she has a shot at the 2012 GOP presidential nomination?

I’d say stay tuned, but frankly, I just want her to go away. Not only does she make women look ridiculously stupid, but she’s making the GOP look inept and flaky. Even though I’m not much on Republican love, I also don’t believe in kicking a dog when it’s down.

Government-Restricted Stupidity

~ lobablanca

Opening line from this article that has set me on my latest rant:

Virginia drivers will face new restrictions today, when hundreds of laws take effect, including a ban on sending or reading text messages and e-mails.

This is why I hate people. Not cell phones. People. Stupid people who think it’s a good idea to compose an e-mail while roaring down the road at 80+, more often than not in some ginormous vehicle that could house the entire Lilliputian population in just the glove compartment.

Several times now I’ve nearly been unwillingly shuffled out of my mortal coil by these offenses to common sense…these mutated beings with cell phone-shaped tumors that connect one hand to the side of their head and cause the other to flail around emphatically. This, of course, means that

A Piece of the Action (Figure)

~ lobablanca
Tricorder readings show no signs of our dignity, Doctor.
Tricorder readings show no signs of our dignity, Doctor.

“Hi, my name is Loba and I’m a geekaholic.”

And today I am here to plug one of my favorite geekanalia makers: Diamond Select Toys. This company makes some of the most brilliant action figures I have seen in a very long time. The quality is comparable to the McFarlane figures that were huge in the 90s (remember the Masters of Horror line?), but with the added greatness of 20-point articulation.

(In Pakled Speak that means that these figures are really fun to pose 😉 )

The Diamond Select figures are slightly more than double the price of the old Playmates Trek figures from the 90s. But it’s so worth it. As much fun as those Playmates figures were (and I should know since I’ve got a shoebox full of them), they were more like cartoon versions of the characters. These Diamond Select figures are far more detailed.

I only have a few right now…but the force is strong in this one. I don’t know how much longer I can resist (you know what they say about resistance in the Trek world). Plus, Diamond Select has an equally amazing Battlestar Galactica line that’s also got me salivating, especially the short-haired Starbuck and the Admiral Cain.

[Hint dropped in 3…2…1…]

I don’t have any BSG figures yet…

😀