Dirty, Dirty Girl

How sad is it that I’ve been sat here for about 10 minutes, giggling over this:

sshrc

In case you don’t have the same horribly dirty mind that your humble hostess has, it’s the trackback link that’s left me laughing: “YOU ARE IN: Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton.”

See, now I’m laughing while typing this. As much as I love Hillary, I don’t want to be quite that close. Besides, shouldn’t I at least buy her dinner first?

Dirty minds aside, if you all missed Secretary Clinton’s appearance this past Sunday on Meet the Press, then here is the transcript from her appearance. Thank you to A2, both for supplying the link and the laugh.

Captioning Horror

Will Smith, second from right, walks on a street in Beijing. His son Jaden is co-starring with Jackie Chan in a remake of The Karate Kid called Kung Fu Kid. Dad Will is a co-producer of the film.

See, the actual photo that matches this caption doesn’t even matter. It’s a craptacularly grainy paparazzi shot that really would only appeal to the most die-hard Will Smith fans. I am not one of those people.

I am, however, one of what I’m sure are thousands (possibly even millions) of people horrified by this caption. Kung Fu Kid? Are you friggin’ kidding me? Please, someone sweep the leg before Hollywood remakes every movie ever made.

As pathetic as it is, though, we have no one to blame but ourselves. We keep going to these remakes, reboots, regurgitations, re-whatevers. All Hollywood needs to see is even the slightest glimmer of a profit and they’re convinced they’ve got a winning formula. Doesn’t matter that the formula tastes about as disgusting as pabulum, as long as we keep swallowing it, they’re going to keep mixing it up.

I think one of the most disheartening remakes that I have heard of recently is A Nightmare on Elm Street. I think that recent remakes of Halloween and Friday the 13th have proven that more is less, and lightning really doesn’t strike more than once (with the exception of Star Trek: The Next Generation, of course).

I suspect I’m not the target audience anymore anyway. Actually, I suspect I never have been the target audience of anyone beyond places like Intergalactic Trading Company and Diamond Select Toys. It is what it is. Here, however, is my own crack at captioning another shot I passed across during my pre-work Interwebz perambulation. Hope you enjoy!

<img src="http://www.lobablanca.com/blog09/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/blanchfox.jpg" alt="Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats…” title=”blanchfox” width=”424″ height=”459″ class=”aligncenter size-full wp-image-1247″ />
Cate Blanchett begins to seriously regret her request to sit in the cheap seats...

Cap-Sac?

ross_sac

Cap-Sac: It’s a Fanny Pack for Your Head.

Is it just me, or is this the most oversexed product ever? Especially if you take into consideration what “fanny” means over in jolly old England.

Even without the added U.K. slang dirtiness bonus, I don’t really like the idea of wearing a “sac” on my head. Especially when one of the big draws is that the cap tucks up into its own sac. Hmm. Buffalo Bill as accessory inspiration? Marinate on that image for a minute while you rub the lotion on your skin; I’ll wait.

😮

Everything about this product screams 1980s nostalgia almost as loudly as Mr. Chapstick up there in the photo. The hats come in a variety of the most garish day-glo colors imaginable, including a neon yellow almost exactly the same color as one of my favorite hats from my early teens (I wore a lot of hats when I was young; I still do, but they’re more metaphorical than literal now…haha).

I don’t really have much else to say about this product. So I’ll just let the (NSFW) Cap-Sac Rappers take us on out…peace out.

Government-Restricted Stupidity

Opening line from this article that has set me on my latest rant:

Virginia drivers will face new restrictions today, when hundreds of laws take effect, including a ban on sending or reading text messages and e-mails.

This is why I hate people. Not cell phones. People. Stupid people who think it’s a good idea to compose an e-mail while roaring down the road at 80+, more often than not in some ginormous vehicle that could house the entire Lilliputian population in just the glove compartment.

Several times now I’ve nearly been unwillingly shuffled out of my mortal coil by these offenses to common sense…these mutated beings with cell phone-shaped tumors that connect one hand to the side of their head and cause the other to flail around emphatically. This, of course, means that

Appalachia? Argentina? Adultery!!

No, I don't think you know what I want for Father's Day this year...
No, I don't think you know what I want for Father's Day this year...

So maybe you didn’t hear that South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went a little AWOL for a while. He just ambled away one day and didn’t tell anyone where he was going. He kind of mentioned that he was thinking about hiking the Appalachian Trail, so his staffers assumed that this was what he was doing. They even sent out a press release indicating that this was indeed where he was.

SIKE. Just playing. He was really in Argentina. Schtooping his mistress.

That’s right, you’ve read correctly: GOP Governor Mark Sanford

Presidential Age-Off: Bartlet v. Roslin

Two of my all-time favorite television shows are Aaron Sorkin’s The West Wing and Ron Moore’s reboot of Battlestar Galactica. Interestingly enough, at the heart of both shows is a strong vein of politics played both fairly and deceptively (not that big a surprise from the former show, but a lovely layer of the latter that made it such a pleasure to watch).

Both shows also featured presidents, one of the United States and one of what’s left of the 12 colonies of Caprica. Martin Sheen played U.S. President Jed Bartlet, a bright beacon of hope during the dismal darkness of the real Bush II presidency. Mary McDonnell portrayed Laura Roslin, former Secretary of Education who found herself thrust into the presidency when all in line before her were killed in the Cylon attack on Caprica that started the BSG journey.

Beyond the obvious similarities, both of these presidents held health secrets from their constituents. Bartlet had relapsing-remitting multiple sclerosis. By the end of the show, the disease was causing a rapid and noticeable decay of his body.

In the very first episode of BSG, Roslin learns that she has terminal cancer. By the end of BSG…well…like I said, she had terminal cancer. I’m sure you can figure this one out on your own.

Now even under the healthiest situations, a president always leaves his station looking much more bedraggled and aged than he did coming into it. Look at recent evidence. Du(m)bya left looking much older than the actual numbers of his age (or his IQ). And the only way Clinton was still feeling young at the end of his presidency was when he was groping up interns in the Oval Office. Several have even pointed out that Obama is already starting to show more gray than he did prior to January 20, 2009.

Add the strain of an incurable disease and you’re bound to look even more wrung out, right? Certainly was the case with President Bartlet.

bartlet-bae

In the beginning, he was a middle-aged statesman, with still dark hair and minimal lines to his face. He was commanding and centered and the White House was bright with hope in his presence. By the end, however, he’d gone gray with white at his temples, the lines had deepened, his stance slouched and aided by a cane, and the brightness of his new administration slowly dimming to a close (aren’t these photographers just too clever?).

Yes, I’m sure that some of this was makeup decisions done to enhance the strain of both being president and fighting a once relapsed illness that is now making up for wasted time.

BUT…then there is Laura Roslin.

roslin-bae

To borrow that ridiculous BSG epithet: What the frack?!

Seriously, I cannot even begin to express the joy I felt inside when I saw Mary McDonnell that first time as Laura Roslin. It had been a while since I had last seen her, and then there she was, wrinkles and crow’s feet, and looking absolutely beautiful. Even better, she looked REAL. And I was filled with so much hope and happiness that here was an actress who was embracing her age and all the lines that came with it, and doing it with incomparable grace.

This second photo is how she appeared in the final season. You could bounce a quarter off her face, it’s so tight. Dull, expressionless forehead. No more lines around her eyes or her mouth. What you don’t see in this photo, but what was depressingly obvious in the show, is the fact that this “youthful” appearance came with a price. One side of her mouth droops now as though she’s had a stroke. Her eyes also don’t always blink synchronously anymore.

This was supposed to be a woman who was leading the remnants of a destroyed world through the unknown dangers of space while fighting a seemingly unstoppable Cylon enemy and being slowly consumed by incurable cancer. But this is how she looked at the end. Yes, they did her up on the show with pale makeup and a “cancer” wig (which is what she’s wearing in this second photo). But that face…

It was perfectly acceptable to show the progression of age and illness with Bartlet, but Roslin not only had to lead the colonists to earth, but she had to do it while apparently paying regular visits to Doc Cottle for galactic Botox injections. Maybe he was really just injecting her cancer treatments straight into her face and this was the end result.

jlange

Obviously, what I’m really doing at this point is screaming into the roar of the Hollywood machine that makes women feel less than publicly acceptable if they dare show even one shadow of an age line on their face. How else can we explain this recent photo of the now perpetually surprised Jessica Lange? Would you have even known this was Lange had I not identified her? I sure as hell didn’t recognize her without a caption.

And why is this acceptable? Because we’ve got fat tubs of douche like Rush Limbaugh clogging up the airwaves with “relevant” questions like is this country ready to have to watch Hillary Clinton age if she became president. Newsflash, Tubby: You’re not looking any younger (or thinner) yourself.

We all get old. It’s a fact of life. I’m in my early 30s, but I can see time leaving little trails across my face. Wrinkles around my eyes, parenthetical lines on each side of my mouth, a bagginess to my eyelids. Who gives a shit? The lines come from living, and I’d far rather have lines than not live. And guess what? You can tighten your face to the point of splitting in two and it’s not going to fool the Reaper.

For two seasons, Mary McDonnell made me so very happy when I would see her very real and very beautiful lines. I can’t say that I blame her or fault her for her decision to join the plastic posse. I can’t imagine the pressure she and her female acting peers must feel to constantly look 25. But just once, I’d like for an actress to just flip the double bird and embrace her age and all that it brings with it

Only In My Dreams

Debbie Gibson. Now there’s a linchpin name from my adolescence. Had all her tapes. Wanted a fedora like she wore in her Electric Youth days. Loved her. Don’t care that it lost me metal street cred.

Deborah Gibson. Playboy pictures, Beauty and the Beast, “Don’t call me Debbie”…and now this. This glorious trailer. It’s not a joke, but an actual straight-to-DVD movie called Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. I guess it’s supposed to be cashing in on the success of the Alien vs. Predator franchise? Whatever it is, it’s kept me laughing all morning. I don’t even really have anything else to say about it. I just hope it makes someone else out there laugh as much as I have.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fa7ck5mcd1o&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1]

Muffins!

Dude, your mom’s got some seriously scary muffins.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1tcR19y7GPM&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1]

Okay, so if you’re not familiar with the YouTube greatness that is Liam Kyle Sullivan, then consider this to be your introduction. And while the muffins sketch is one of my favorites, he’s probably more well known on the Interwebs for his character, “Kelly” with her incurable addiction to “Shoes” and her tirade against “Text Message Breakups.”

I warn you now, these last two links are NSFW, so if you listen to them around coworkers, have your earbuds handy. Actually, most of Liam’s stuff is NSFW, a fact that is accentuated by the Margaret Cho seal of approval (she appears in several of the “Kelly” pieces).

If you enjoy what you see, check out Liam’s YouTube user section, where you can see more of his creations as well as more of the lovely Vampiress Heather from “Text Message Breakup” in her own series of vlogs.

Oh, and just for fun, here’s another work-safe video, to whet your appetite.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxStmceNTs8&hl=en&fs=1&color1=0x006699&color2=0x54abd6&border=1]

Peace out, betches.

Forever Young?

WAY scarier than Chucky
WAY scarier than Chucky

I’m not the greatest when it comes to numbers. I admit this fact willingly. I harp on this fact, actually. It really helps when numbers issues come up at work; no one comes to Loba for number help. Loba like.

That being said, take a look at this quote from Hugh Jackman regarding his fear of dolls:

“When dolls come to life in films, that just freaks me out, I just can’t stand that. Chucky? Forget that. I remember when I was a little kid, and that little doll in the rocking chair going, ‘Take the girl right up the hill and kiss the girl goodbye’… I’m like, forget that! That freaks me out.”

Okay, the bold font in that quote is my emphasis. Little kid? Dude, you were born in 1968. Child’s Play came out in 1988. Since when did 20 years old qualify as “little kid” age?

Don’t get me wrong, Hugh. I still consider myself to be a big kid, too, even at 32. But…um…seriously? Child’s Play freaked you out? You’re supposed to be Wolverine, mate. This is something you maybe should have kept a bit closer to your muscly chest, no?

Now if you’d said clowns freaked you out, that would have been a completely different story. Clowns are fucking scary.

Waxy Build-Up

Ms. Foster, waxing poetic
Ms. Foster, waxing poetic

Looking for the perfect gift for the actor-obsessed loved one in your life? Then you might want to check out this auction. Apparently, the Hollywood Wax Museum is going to auction off several wax statues from their collection. Included in the auction are life-sized statues of Laverne and Shirley, Kirk and Spock, the Fonz, Terminator 2 Ahnold, Tom Cruise, Nicole Kidman (looking strangely like Sarah Ferguson), Marilyn Monroe (looking even more strangely like a young Betty White), Travolta and Thurman from Pulp Fiction, zombie Michael Jackson, some Star Wars blokes (no Jar Jar), the Scream Killer, Forrest Gump – three pages of nothing but wax statues up for sale.

The problem, however, is that the statues look only minimally like their corresponding characters/actors. Case in point: this wax statue of Jodie Foster from Maverick.

Um. No.

Looks like her in the same way that your reflection in a car door kind of looks like you…but not really. I’m actually kind of shocked at how unlike the actors most of these statues look. Madame Tussauds apparently makes the statue process look so much easier than it really is.

Of the statues that I looked at, probably the closest to realistic I saw were Darth Maul and the Tin Man from The Wizard of Oz. However, they don’t even showcase the Tin Man on the main page; you have to click on the Dorothy photo to see him (Dorothy actually scares me a little; she looks more like early-in-the-movie Regan from The Exorcist).

However, skip ahead to page 4, avert your eyes from the wax crucified Jesus at the top of that page (really?), and you’ll see some pretty cool costumes, including one of Robert Englund’s Freddy Krueger outfits (minus the glove, unfortunately). I wouldn’t mind that, actually