I’m amazed it took me this long to come up with doing this one. The Silence of the Lambs is, after all, one of my favorite scary movies. And this is the month of Halloween as well as the month of Doctober.
“Tell me, Beverly, have the lambs stopped screaming?”
Could you imagine if someone ever tried to do a Star Trek/bodice ripper romance novel crossover? I wonder what something like that would look like.
Probably something like this…
Yeah, that looks about right to me. And by “right” I mean “Omigod, the horror that has been seen can never be unseen right up until my very last breath.”
I’m still not sure how “Sub Rosa” even made it into the queue of “Viable Options” for TNG scripts, let alone how it actually made it to the screen. Yes, denizens, as much as it pains me to say this, I’m going to have to ping this episode as one of the worst TNG episodes ever made…possibly even one of the worst Trek episodes ever made (although I couldn’t sleep well for a week after watching evolved/devolved Janeway and Paris doing things that captains should never do with their pilots o_O).
The fact that this was probably the one episode from all seven seasons of TNG that dealt the most with Dr. Crusher makes this realization even worse.
This is what I waited seven years for?
Sigh.
I’m not going to review the actual episode. I’m instead going to link you to this review, which pretty much covers the awfulness in a very honest and amusing way (this review is also from where I paraphrased the quote on the “cover” of my trashy novel). I will, of course, note that I do disagree with this reviewer’s supposition that this episode was so craptacular in part because Gates McFadden was lacking in acting ability. As I’ve pointed out in previous posts about her performance in “The Naked Now” and “The Big Goodbye,” I think she was more than capable of handling an episode by herself. Just not this episode. Seriously, I don’t even think Meryl Streep could have made this episode anything less than awful.
The author of the previously linked review describes “Sub Rosa” as “the nadir of Girlie Trek.” I think that’s pretty on-target. This episode offended me on several levels, least of which was the fact that when finally they decide to give Dr. Crusher an episode, it’s one of the least sci-fi and one of the least meaningful episodes ever written for TNG. Honestly, many Trek episodes are nothing more than morality tales (often rather thinly) disguised as science fiction. This one doesn’t even make it that high up the subtlety ladder…unless, of course, the moral of this one is “If a strange green gas starts coming out of a candle toward you, it’s probably best that you don’t let it sex you up.”
I can assure you, denizens, I didn’t need Trek to teach me this lesson.
I’ve asked this question numerous times, but I’ll ask it again here: Would this have ever passed as an episode idea for any of the other CMOs from any of the other shows? Would Dr. McCoy have ever been asked to writhe around on a bed as he’s pleasured by an “anaphasic energy” entity? What about Dr. Bashir? Not seeing it?
Neither am I.
For all its praise as a forward-thinking, progressive show, Trek was staunchly misogynistic in undeniable ways, and episodes like “Sub Rosa” reveal this truth in ugly and demeaning ways. Yes, women were allowed to do more than bring the captain his coffee in TNG, but if this is what you think passes as good sci-fi for women viewers, then perhaps you should head on over to Caprica and see if they need writers.
Meow.
Beyond these issues, the bottom line is, “Sub Rosa” is just bad. What makes this even worse is that it didn’t have to be awful. This could have been a cracking “ghost” story. It also could have been a more thorough examination of all the questions surrounding Dr. Crusher’s past: What happened to her parents? What happened on Arvada II? Why did they recreate Scotland on another planet? Did they recreate Nessie as well? Why is there a pig-face alien running a Scottish colony? Why is Deanna wandering around in the background after she leaves the cemetery with Dr. Crusher? Why was Dr. Crusher’s maiden name Howard when it’s obviously a name from her maternal grandmother? Did her mother not take her father’s last name? How, then, did Beverly get the name Howard? Was it tradition in that family for the husband to take the wife’s name and pass it on their children? Then why didn’t she keep the name Howard? Why is she now a Crusher? Have I made your eyes cross yet?
Again I say, sigh.
So, there you have it denizens: I don’t love everything related to Dr. Crusher. But I don’t hold it against her that we saw way more of her bedroom proclivities than I think any of us ever wanted to see. And she’s still my favorite TNG character.
Oh, one more thing: At least the set designers had a bit of fun on this episode. Check the names on the tombstones behind Ronin:
I love geeky inside jokes.
When not bringing medical comfort to the residents of the Alpha Quadrant, Dr. Crusher does enjoy a bit of thespianic diversion. She is, after all, head of the Enterprise’s theater group. She’s an actress, a dancer, a playwright, and she mixes up a mean sangria for the wrap parties (bet you didn’t know that last part, did you?).
In her honor, therefore, the master painter Thomas Gainsborough IX did this rendition of Dr. Crusher, based on his ancestor’s famous portrait, Mrs. Sarah Siddons:
Here, of course, is the original painting, for a bit of comparison.
Mrs. Siddons is one of my favorite portraits by Thomas Gainsborough. When I first went to London in 2003, one of the things I was most anticipating was my first trip to their National Gallery of Art, to finally see so many of the paintings that I had fallen in love with throughout my art history studies. Gainsborough’s portraits were, of course, at the top of my list of desired stops, and his portrait of Mrs. Siddons was a definite. She’s a massive, gorgeous painting, after all, and slightly more enjoyable (at least to me) than Joshua Reynolds’s version of her as a tragic muse.
So we reached the Gainsborough room, which was curiously bare in several spots and conspicuously Siddons-free. I walked over to one of the empty spaces, which serendipitously ended up being Mrs. Siddons’ regular space, only to find a little paper placard that read: “Mrs. Siddons: Currently on loan to the National Gallery of Art, Washington, DC.”
Had it been any other American gallery, I probably would have introduced the British patrons around me to an unpleasant string of frustrated American-bred profanity. However, all I could do, really, was laugh at the freakish timing of this turn of events. I finished roaming through the London National Gallery, which did indeed contain many other artistic favorites that quickly made up for this particular disappointment, and when I finally returned to the D.C. area, I made a special trip to our National Gallery and did finally get some face time with Mrs. Siddons.
Poor Dr. Crusher. All she wants is the chance to sit next to Captain Picard during a staff meeting. Maybe then, she’d finally get to flirt a little…wink every now and then, maybe even play a little footsie. But that damned Riker always beats her to the conference lounge! It’d be easy if she got to sit on the bridge like every other member of the senior staff (minus Geordi, of course).
[Loba Tangent: Hey, waitatick! Why is it that the two crewmembers who were assigned to places other than the bridge are the two who were the least developed on the show? I call occupational discrimination!!]
Regardless of what’s really going on in this scene, I’d call this is one of the greatest screen captures EVAR. I’d also call it the greatest pout moment in the history of Star Trek.
I had something completely different (and admittedly less creative) planned, but then I realized that today was Doctober 13! Admittedly not as special as it could have been had today been Friday, but still it is that date that most distresses triskaidekaphobics (triskaidekaphobians?).
So I started thinking of ways to make the day a little more palatable for those who fear unlucky, and I decided what better way than to give you this, the luckiest penny in the galaxy! Originally issued by the United Federation of Planets in 2379, this is a one-of-a-kind Dr. Beverly Crusher copper penny (do you have any idea how rare a material copper is in 2379?).
Of course, it has no actual monetary value, since the UFP runs on a rather questionable credit system that has never really been explained. But think of the collector factor of this piece!! Not even Kivas Fajo had one of these in his collection!
I’m telling you, even if you’re a Red Shirt, you carry one of these around in your uniform pocket and you’re guaranteed to make it home, every away mission.
Here’s the original movie poster I was spoofing for this one…and, yes, I do have a weird sense of humor and way too much time on my hands. Thank you for asking.
I don’t often believe in signs, but when I realized that the very unique date of 10-10-10 was going to happen during the great month of Doctober, I took this as a sign that I needed to do something a little extra special on this auspicious occasion. And so I give you not one, not two, but three Top 10 lists associated with Dr. Beverly Crusher. I warn you now: This is more than likely going to be both the longest and most elaborate Doctober post I do. But, again, how often does a perfectly balanced stardate like this come along in a lifetime?
So we start the party with a list that I actually encountered several years ago. The original list was a bit hit-or-miss, so I’ve spiced it up a bit. Hopefully, I’ve made it a little bit funny…
Top 10 Pet Peeves of Dr. Beverly Crusher
10. The way those spandex spacesuits never stay where they should…and always end up bunching where they shouldn’t.
9. Of all the starships in all the quadrants, she had to be put in charge of the one with Reg Barclay, Super Hypochondriac.
8. When Riker has too much synthehol at the weekly poker game, drunk-dials her and asks her to call him “Odan” once more for old times.
7. Just once, she’d like to finish the line, “Jean-Luc, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.” Just once, dammit!
6. Other mothers get cards or flowers on Mother’s Day from their children. She gets trapped in a collapsing warp bubble by hers.
5. People who expect her to have raging temper to match red hair. She could just KILL THEM!!! OOOOOH!
4. Worf’s annual stool sample.
3. No matter how many rewrites she does, the Enterprise‘s theater troupe keeps rejecting her script for the new musical, Dancing & Diagnosing.
2. Dr. Selar refuses to engage in chummy Sickbay banter.
1. Dammit, she’s a doctor, not a hairstyle model!
Speaking of hairstyles (and tasty segues), ever notice how often Dr. Crusher’s ‘do changed throughout the course of the show? That’s because throughout most of the series, that wasn’t actually Gates McFadden’s hair. She wore a wig most of the time, because the producers felt that her real hair was a tad bit too long for the Enterprise‘s Chief Medical Officer (which is kind of silly when you realize that some of the wigs that they designed for her were almost as long as her actual hair at the time…but only really HUGE Crusher geeks would know that bit of trivia). Here, then, are 10 of the most interesting ways in which Dr. Crusher’s hair fluctuated throughout the show. Believe me, there were plenty more styles throughout the six seasons that featured Dr. Crusher (everyone always made such a huge deal about Captain Janeway’s hair, but Janeway’s ‘do had nothing on the good doctor’s!).
1. Crayola Crusher. The first season saw the only instance of Dr. Crusher with this somewhat “color not found in nature” red hair. It was deep, dark, and a bit primary color. Then again, this was also the only season during which she wore a deep, dark, somewhat primary color blue uniform. I actually liked the cobalt of the first season medical uniforms and missed them when they disappeared in the third season for the more familiar teal. I didn’t necessarily miss this hair color, but I did miss Dr. Crusher when she disappeared the next season, replaced by a post-sex-change Dr. McCoy Dr. Pulaski.
2. Lil Orphan Beverly. Thankfully, Dr. Crusher returned in the third season after Data shot Dr. Pulaski out of a torpedo tube after finally deciding he’d had enough of her snarky comments about him being an android. This time, Dr. Crusher’s wig more closely matched the color of Gates McFadden’s actual hair. However, I only ever think of one thing when I see short, curly red hair (and it’s not what you rather filthy-minded denizens are thinking right now!): Lil Orphan Annie. Thankfully, the wig stylist decided against the curl as well and straightened the hair soon after this wig’s debut in the third season.
3. Miracle Grow. Star Trek has never been famous for its respect of continuity. However, one of my favorite bits of WTFery is this photo, taken from the third season episode “The Enemy.” This episode occurs six episodes after “Evolution,” which is the episode from which the previous photo was taken. That is some amazing hair growth in that span, no? I’m thinking either Dr. Crusher has a hella good prescription for Rogaine, or she’s somehow learned how to program the replicators to make her hair whatever length she’s in the mood for that day.
4. Somewhere In Between. So by the end of the third season, the stylists had moved to somewhere in between the super short and super long looks and came up with this length. However, I’m not so sure they had really decided yet about the proper length because, correct me if I’m wrong, one side of Dr. Crusher’s hair is noticeably longer than the other side. Which is fine, I suppose. Everyone is entitled to making statements. I mean, Deanna wore a hairstyle in the first season that looked a bit like a toilet plunger stuck to the top of her head. Dr. Crusher’s different lengths is much better in my opinion.
5. When I’m 65. The fourth season brought about a glimpse of an older Dr. Crusher, this time in the episode “Future Imperfect.” I liked how the stylists made her hair a bit darker (which actually often happens to redheads, depending on the type of red), and gave her nice, subtle hints of gray. They modified this look for the appearance of “Captain Beverly Picard” in the final episode of the show, but I think this one’s a little more elaborate.
6. Bangs? We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Bangs. Apparently, this particular wig stylist was of two opinions: Less bangs, more curls. I don’t really have much to say about this style other than I really didn’t like it at all.
7. Long and Straight. The highlight of the next season was this scene from “Violations,” which I think shows Dr. Crusher sans wig. I do believe this was McFadden’s actual hair (that is not, however, Patrick Stewart’s actual hair…although it could very well be the toupee that he wore to one of his first auditions for the role of Jean-Luc Picard).
8. Ribbons and Bows. It takes a strong personality to be able to rock a pink hair ribbon with the medical uniform. Either that or a certain degree of eccentricity. I’m not sure which of those Dr. Crusher has more of, but thankfully the pink ribbon never returned after this one appearance in the episode “Cause and Effect.”
9. Almost There. Finally, by TNG’s sixth season, I do believe they were no longer making McFadden wear wigs. I could be wrong, but I’m almost positive that this photo shows McFadden’s real hair. The bangs are slightly shorter than normal, but this was pretty much almost the look that she stuck with for the rest of the series. It’s about time!
10. The Final Frontier Hairstyle. And here, then, is the final style ever seen on Dr. Crusher in the show’s run, and probably my favorite style of them all. Why? Because it looked like her actual hair rather than a wig. Because it was.
When Dr. Crusher wasn’t stressing about her hair, she was busy planning her next big Halloween costume! Yeah, I bet you didn’t know this, but Dr. Crusher actually really loved this ancient Earth holiday. Here, then, are Dr. Crusher’s top 10 Halloween costumes:
10. She started out small, just painting her face like a 20th century mime. However, her staff loved it and so did her patients, so she made the decision to make this an annual tradition.
9. The next year, she decided to wear the costume that Q had left all of them from their adventure in “Sherwood Forest.”
8. Then she went with the outfit that she smuggled back from her away mission to retrieve Data’s severed head from 19th century San Francisco.
7. Liking the medical theme that she’d started the previous year, Dr. Crusher decided to go this time with a more modern medical icon: Nurse Christine Chapel.
6. Counselor Troi wanted in on the festivities the following year, so they dressed up as the sisters from What Ever Happened to Baby Jane?
5. Not feeling very creative the next year, she worked with Data to rig holoprojectors throughout the ship that would broadcast the image of a traditional Halloween “ghost” at various parts of the ship (which was a far easier PhotoShop task for the wolf in charge of capturing these costumes in images).
4. For some reason, Captain Picard became obsessed with an ancient Terran comic called The X-Men, so Dr. Crusher humored him by dressing as the character known as “Dark Phoenix.” Captain Picard joined her in dressing up that year as the character “Professor Xavier,” but he just wore a suit that looked like one of his Dixon Hill outfits and insisted that sickbay replicate him a wheelchair, which she found bizarre and slightly creepy.
3. By this point, Dr. Crusher was realizing the untapped potential of costumes enhanced by her medical expertise. For her costume as the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland, she increased her cranial size and blanched her skin color to an even paler complexion than normal. All in all a great costume, but the bruising she sustained from banging into things or from losing her balance was a bit much.
2. This costume actually got her tossed in the brig for a few days once Captain Picard saw it…but it was totally worth it.
1. And, finally, she went all out to turn herself into a Na’vi. The changes she implemented took about 3 weeks to fully reverse (and she still had a bit of a blue pallor almost 2 months later), but this was by far her favorite costume of them all (and Loba’s favorite PhotoShop trick as well!).
So, there you go: three top 10 lists dedicated to Dr. Beverly Crusher. Was it worth it to wade through all three? I hope so. I definitely had a blast thinking them up. Oh, and special thanks to TrekCore.com. Without their amazing Beverly Crusher theme gallery, I would have had a much more difficult time finding the images I needed for two of these three lists.
I don’t know exactly why, but I get the distinct impression that, of all the Enterprise senior staff, Dr. Crusher would have been quite the prankster. In fact, I think she would have been more of a prankster than Riker could have ever dreamed of being. She had access to medical supplies, after all. Think of the possibilities there!
I actually have thought of the possibilities and even came up with a little series of pranks…a minor competition between the CMO and Number One regarding said pranky, playful fun. I’ve never written it down, but maybe I’ll finally lay down the gauntlet and establish just who is really “Number One” when it comes to on-board jocularity.
Today would have been my grandmother’s birthday. She was a pioneer in many ways, including in her decision to serve her country during World War II well before women were allowed to serve alongside men in the military. She served as a radio operator in the U.S. Navy’s Women Accepted for Volunteer Emergency Service (WAVES) division, which helped pave the way for women to one day be accepted for military service in more than just an “emergency” capacity.
[Loba Memory Tangent: As a radio operator, my grandmother was intimately familiar with Morse code. My dad says when he was a little boy, he remembers her telling him that she was going to send him secret messages in her winks. He realized when he was older that she was actually winking at him in Morse code, using one eye for the dots and the other eye for the dashes. He never knew what she was conveying to him in those winks, but I always thought that was such a cool memory.]
My grandmother was an amazing woman and one of my real-life heroines. I wish I had a photograph of her in her WAVES uniform. Sadly, I don’t think such a photograph exists. So, in honor of her service to her country, I decided to dedicate today’s Doctober entry to her.
Therefore, I give you Commander Beverly Crusher of the WAVES Hospital Corps (yes, I added a couple of stripes to her shoulder boards to promote her from ensign to her proper rank of commander [even though I don't think a woman would have ever been allowed to rise this high in rank at that time]; hopefully, I didn’t miss anything else while I was tweaking).
I offer this with pure respect and admiration, not only to my grandmother but to every woman who defied convention and societal mores to step forward and serve their country, even when their country disapproved. Thank you for everything you did for those daughters and granddaughters who would one day attempt to follow in your awe-inspiring footsteps.
If you’d like to see the original version of this poster, along with several other amazing posters, head on over to the Navy’s “Recruiting Posters for Women from World War II – The WAVES” section.
Just like those stalwart, “stiff upper lip” British and their “Keep Calm and Carry On” attitude, Dr. Crusher has quite the indomitable spirit. She lost her parents through some horrible event that was never really explained on the show. Then she lost her husband through another horrible event that was never really explained on the show…an event made even more questionable by the fact that her husband’s captain was Jean-Luc Picard, whom she later learned was in love with her even while her husband was alive (DRAMA!). She was then left to raise her son all by herself while trying to rise through the ranks of Starfleet…a son who would later choose to stay on a starship all by himself rather than be with her on Earth during that mysterious year in which she was “head of Starfleet Medical” (WTF was that all about?). And let’s not forget that her son was a mega-dork (sorry, Wesley), which really cramped her dating options.
And what about those dating options? A slug in a boy Trill, a slug in Riker, a slug in a girl Trill, a dude named “John Doe” who later turned into a giant glo-stick, and a candle ghost who would later move on to become Bajor’s First Minister and shag Colonel Kira.
(All the while, she’s stuck in some weird causality loop with that possibly murderous captain who’s been crushing on her since he met her, but she’s never allowed to do anything more than have breakfast with him (coffee and croissant) while he’s off making it with aliens and members of her science and medical division who look suspiciously like her. And what does she get? Nothing more than being stuck repeating the same lame “Jean-Luc, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you…” line that she’s never freaking allowed to finish before something happens to blow the moment.)
She was the Chief Medical Officer of the flagship of the Federation, but her colleagues still referred to her as the “Dancing Doctor” (so disrespectful!). She was turned into an Irish setter by Q, trapped in a collapsing warp bubble by her own son, kidnapped, possessed by aliens, disfigured by a face full of venom spat at her by a devolving Klingon, pushed off the side of a ship into the ocean by an android struggling to understand humor, shot at numerous times, nearly court-martialed, nearly killed by a creepy alien who looked a little like a zombified Ted Danson, but was still never really paid attention to by the rest of the crew (probably because they were all afraid of incurring the wrath of that jealous captain who may or may not have had more to do with the death of her husband than anyone else suspected), and left by herself most nights to wander around her quarters in her jammies, drinking wine and pruning her plants (do with that statement whatever you will).
And yet…she carried on. So this is my tribute to the indomitable spirit of the NCC-1701-D’s only true CMO.
Keep Calm and Crusher On.
