Why, Scotland, Why?

Dear Scotland,
You don’t know me. I’m just another of the millions of wacky voices out here in teh Interwebz ether, screaming into the winds of egoizing inanity.

Truth is, I don’t really know you either. I mean, I know where you are (I’m not that American that I can’t locate you on a globe or a world map). I know things like you’re part of the United Kingdom, you’re Gaelic (sorry, is that a “don’t ask, don’t tell” topic with you?), and you love thistles, ponies, and men who go commando in their kilts. Oh, and you deep-fry candy bars, which makes you kind of sexy.

What I don’t understand, however, is why one of your residents found me through a keyword search of unimaginable cruelty. An Edinburghian…er, Edinburgher? Someone from Edinburgh found my lair through the keyword phrase “gates mcfadden bad actress.”

You wound me, Scotland, and your wound is deep and painful. Look, you’ve also upset Dr. Crusher.

What did I ever do to Scotland?

What kind of country are you, making the Enterprise‘s CMO cry like that?

Bad Scotland. BAD.

[For the record, that phrase never before appeared at the lair in any capacity. Well, except for now, thanks to you, Scotland! I counteract your meanness with this: Gates McFadden Excellent Awesome Super Duper Amazing Spectacular Actress. Ha!]

A Geek and Her Money…

It’s no big secret that I’m a bit of a cheap wolf. My shelves of used DVDs and books are probably the greatest confirmation of this statement. For others, I pull out all the stops. For me? Meh. I’m okay with sloppy seconds.

Wait. That came out so very wrong. What I mean is that I don’t mind buying something that someone else previously owned. I’m a frequent Amazon Marketplace and eBay lurker. If you know how to play the game (and are looking for arcane enough merchandise), you can get really great bargains. Like the still-sealed set of all 10 seasons of Dangermouse I found for under $5, including shipping.

All that being said, sometimes I get these weird urges. Geek desire poisons my blood with its fever, and I start lusting after things that I know I don’t need.

But I want them. Like the Force FX Mace Windu lightsaber replica that I want, not because I give a rat’s ass about Mace Windu…but because it’s purple. Purple, people. I love purple.

And, yes, I do blame the Admiral for this current object of Loba geek lust. Why did I have to touch his lightsaber?!?

Or how about this? A realistic replica of Freddy Krueger’s razor claw, created by RazorGloves.com?

Is there any valid reason for spending that much money on a prop replica? And by valid, I mean something other than the shiver of horror geek joy I felt when I heard the screech of metal on metal that the blades made against this piece of steel. Of course not! But when I see this or the Mace Windu lightsaber replica, I feel this overwhelming urge to hunker over and scurry about hissing, “We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious!!”

What is this insidious Pavlovian need that seems to dwell within the hearts of so many of my fandom brethren and…er, sistren? Why is it that we are so conditioned as geeks and nerds to lust after these things that “normies” consider silly or pointless? Is it not enough for us to enjoy the shows and movies from which such merchandise was born?

And if it is enough, why then can I not shake the pressing need to somehow acquire one of Dr. Crusher’s blue lab coats? And don’t think for a second that I’m kidding on this one. I would have even settled for that weird-looking first season lab coat she wore. But for more than $1,000?

Sigh. Maybe Gates McFadden has a spare lab coat and one day she’ll find the lair and be so blown away by my undying devotion to her character that she’ll give me said spare.

And right after that happens, Starbuck will find me and ask me to be her wingwolf.

Well, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go sulk and polish my hypospray. And that is not a euphemism.

Poster Picks: Shaun of the Dead

Here’s another entry that’s been writing itself in my brain for a while. This is the “British Quad” poster for 2004’s Shaun of the Dead. I figured it was time to showcase the British Quad style of movie poster, and what better way than with a British movie?

So, first, a bit of poster pedantry. Here in the States, most movie posters, referred to as “one sheets,” are designed for a vertical format and are generally sized at 27 inches wide by 40 inches tall (although sometimes they can be 39 inches or 41 inches…I really don’t know why the discrepancy, but 40 is usually the norm). These are the posters that you see hanging in light boxes throughout the movie theaters. These are also generally double-sided, with a mirror image printed on the back. I’ve got several of these posters, and sometimes I like to display them with the mirror image showing rather than the proper side. I’m a little weird like that. The purpose of the double-sided printing is to give the image a bit more substance when the light from the light box shines through (makes the lit-up image look richer than if the back was just white).

Anyway, over in the UK, they prefer their movie posters in a horizontal format. Queen’s prerogative and all, you see. Actually, I’m not really sure why they like their posters in a horizontal layout, but I do like how most often the U.S. design needs to be altered, sometimes significantly, to fit the quad format, which is 40 inches wide by 30 inches tall (don’t ask me for the metric size; I’m American and my brain simply isn’t that talented).

So, Shaun of the Dead. Right from the start, fans of the zombie genre will recognize that the title is a delightful play on the title of the George Romero classic Dawn of the Dead. Already, we’re clued in to the fact that this is going to be a spoofy take on the zombie flick.

The U.S. design is all right, but there is something so delightful and so intrinsically English about the UK Quad version. We start out with the tagline, “Ever Felt Like You Were Surrounded By Zombies?” in a nice, smooth sans serif font. The entire image is composed of what I’m sure any proper Londoner will immediately recognize as the doors to an Underground train car. The black rubber of the closed doors perfectly bisects the design, and you get the two windows on each side taking up a significant portion of the design.

What I love most about the choice of the Tube setting is the double meaning it gives to the tagline’s “surrounded by zombies” statement. Anyone who takes public transportation with any frequency will understand the figurative take. Sitting or standing in a packed-to-capacity train car, not yet fully awake, surrounded by other still-groggy commuters smelling of coffee, toothpaste, and too much cologne/perfume…it’s the zombie shuffle in its truest form as we worker bee automatons drag ourselves on our programmed daily commutes. All that’s missing are the bloody body parts on the floor and random cries for “Braaaaaainnnnnssss!” (Actually, I’ve had morning commutes that came pretty close to having both…but that’s for another post.)

Here, however, the tagline takes on a more literal meaning as we see this particular train is packed with zombies…and our hero. I love how the most vivid colors on this poster are the blood-red train doors and our eponymous Shaun and his bouquet of flowers. The zombies all have properly pale zombie skin, but even the color of their clothing has been muted. Check the zombie dude in the bottom right corner; his red outfit has been dulled to a muted rust color (I feel like I should be writing “colour” in honor/honour of this movie).

Our eyes are irrefutably drawn to Shaun because of his vivid coloring