L o b a B l a n c a {dot} c o m

So if you’re a Bank of America customer with an affinity for hanging out at museums and art galleries, you might be carrying around a free pass in your wallet and not even know it.

Bank of America has arranged for free entry for their customers on the first full weekend of every month for the rest of 2009 (with 2010 dates coming). Sound good? Thought so

If you’d like to see if there are any offers in your home state or a state you’ll be visiting for vacation, head on over to BoA’s Museums on Us page. Hope you find something enjoyable!

I’m so very angry at this book.

I’ve actually wanted to read Twilight for a while now (sorry, I’m not going to link to any page that will allow any of you to buy this one; I just won’t). Even though it’s from a “young people” series, I figured what the hell? I so thoroughly enjoyed diving into Harry Potter’s world that I didn’t see anything too odd about trying out another young adult fictional world.

I’m so very angry.

I don’t have children, but if I did—and especially if I had daughters—I would want Stephenie Meyer’s head on a stake for writing one of the most offensive “tween/teen” female characters to ever exist. EVAR! Bella Swan (Beautiful Swan? Get it? Because she was gawky and awkward at her old school, but now she’s mysterious and alluring at her new school! The cleverness makes me want to wretch) is a moony-eyed, bubble-headed klutz who fulfills every horrid stereotype about how girls need saving. It doesn’t matter that Meyer tries to set Bella up as book smart…that’s just overcompensation in a way that doesn’t matter in the real world. Bella is 17 years old and should be far more street savvy and in possession of a greater level of common sense, not in desperate need for rescue every time she turns a corner (literally).

What makes this even more offensive is the fact that this character was portrayed in the movie by Kristen Stewart. I’ve not seen the movie (and believe me when I say there’s no way in hell I’m seeing it now), but I have been a fan of Stewart’s since I first saw her in Panic Room. Maybe because she played the daughter of a character played by Jodie Foster, I now associate Stewart with Foster (not a bad association at all, if you ask me).

Therefore, I tend to think of Stewart as holistically intelligent (I may very well be wrong, but I’d like to think that I’m not). Plus, of the other roles I’ve seen her play, they’ve all left me highly impressed, including her performance as another literary heroine, Melinda Sordino, in the movie Speak, which left me utterly speechless at the end (no pun intended, honestly).

[And let me say here that she gets extra points for being cast as Joan Jett in the upcoming Runaways movie.]

Needless to say, Kristen Stewart is not who I envision as Bella Swan. Instead, I see…a younger, original hair color, no fake-tan version of Paris Hilton. Yeah. Now do you understand how totally wrong Bella Swan is as a character? I know girls like Bella actually exist. I even knew a few girls like Bella when I was a teen. They weren’t heroines and when they looked back on their teen years, they were more mortified than proud of their behavior.

And I don’t even know where to begin with Edward. A sparkly vampire? It sounded stupid in the book. I can only imagine it looked equally stupid in the movie. Plus, let’s not forget the fact that, even though he’s “only 17,” he’s been 17 since 1918. That would make him slightly more than 100 years old, and he’s still sniffing after teenage girls (and I do mean sniffing; how many times did we have to read about how Bella smelled to him?)? Seriously, Kristen, run from continuing in this role and take Robert Pattinson with you. You were Cedric Diggory, dude! You were a Hufflepuffian! Stop sparkling and go do a play on the West End. I understand that there’s an opening in that horse play ever since Harry…er, Daniel left.

Another book complaint now: Get a decent editor. This book was 498 pages. It took almost 400 pages to finally get to the action (you know, beyond setting up your shitty characters and coming up with ever more insipid ways of describing how beautiful and perfect Edward looked). Really, just because your book is as long as a Rowling novel, that doesn’t automatically make it as good as a Rowling novel. Also, the action that finally fires up is so ridiculous and contrived and predictable, it was like watching a clown car coming at you while stuck in first gear.

Also, is it just my imagination, or is Bella Swan the type of girl who interprets roughness and pain as “He just treats me that way because he loves me”? How many times did Edward have to stress to Bella how easily he could kill her or cause her serious harm. When a guy has to tell you that all the time, don’t translate it as “Look how much he loves me; he’s withholding from hurting me.” It means “One day he’s going to drink too much Maker’s Mark and back over me with the John Deere tractor.”

Oh, and let’s not miss the abstinence overtones from this author who is a right and proper graduate of Bringem Brigham Young University. Edward and his family/coven all abstain from their natural “hunting” urges to the point that you’re just expecting him to smile and have some kind of strange purity ring banded around his fangs. Oh, but wait. Never once is there mention of fangs. In fact, there’s very little mention of the actual act that makes vampires vampires. Mormons apparently really do hate fangs.

AND! Vampire baseball? WTF! It was stupid when you had the Cullens playing it, but to then have other vampires attracted to the game, wanting to play?

Ugh. I’m still so very angry. I wanted to like this book. Instead, I ended up realizing that it’s nothing more than literary detritus that should be scooped up and deposited at the bottom of the deepest landfill.

I’ve recently finished watching the first season of True Blood. All I can say is vampires should thank Jesus for Alan Ball (there’s a statement I bet hasn’t been written many times before). Everything that Meyer gets so offensively wrong, Ball gets right. Sookie Stackhouse is what Bella Swan could have should have been. Yes, it is for an adult audience, and a lot of it is inappropriate for girls of the age to which Meyer’s books are meant to appeal. Then again, Meyer’s book is equally inappropriate for different reasons.

Final score: -5/5. Your sparkly vampires may not suck, but your book does. Avoid reading this book. Don’t waste your time on the movie. Go rent True Blood or pick up an Anne Rice novel if you need a vampire fix.

I know, this one’s a little weird and probably not for most people, but I loved being a part of the yearbook staff at school. Yes, our yearbooks were just a fraction of the size as those offered to our public school peers, but it was still a blast. It was my first experience at page layout, at getting a chance to come up with my own designs and logos (and then dealing with those designs being changes, switched, altered, edited, scrapped, and all-around bamboozled), at writing copy, and at just playing a part in creating a publication that would be printed and disseminated to an entire organization. At the time, I just looked at all these things as fun ways to spend a few hours after school. Who knew that one day I’d be doing all these things professionally?

I was a member of yearbook staff for three of my four years of senior high school. Two of those years I was assistant editor. I’m still not really sure what that title translated to, but it looked great on my college applications. I also got to play photographer every now and then, which was awesome: playtime with an SLR camera, which was so much cooler than my little point-and-clicker, plus the freedom of getting out of class to attend sporting events that needed photo documenting. Who was always the big winner there? Me!

See that photo at the top of this entry? That’s my old yearbook staff folder. Again, hi, I’m a hoarder. Pleased to meet you. I found this while I was sorting through stuff at my parents’ house a few months ago (see, I told you I took photos that would one day be used for Flashback Friday entries!). I also suspect that this is a photo of artifacts that some readers have probably never seen, like that pica ruler. Really? And hand-drawn page layouts and paste-ups on graph paper? Adobe InDesign sure rang the death knell quite loudly for this entire folder. Even though it wasn’t that long ago since the last time I used these tools (15 years isn’t that long, right?), looking at them now makes me laugh and think, “Did I really use all this stuff? Really? And why the hell do I still have these things? Wasn’t I supposed to return them at the end of the year?”

Tsk, tsk. So if my yearbook teacher ever reads this post, just drop me a line and let me know where you’d like me to return these things. I’ll be sure to mail them off as soon as I can…

You know the old adage, “anyone can be offended if they’re looking hard enough”? So there’s this poster floating around out in Los Angeles of Barack Obama as The Joker. In case you’ve missed it, here you go:

Not a bad piece of PhotoShop work, no? Seems, though, that there are those out there who want to turn this into something racist. The Washington Post even dedicated an entire article to an attempt to make this into a valid argument.

Really? Way to help hammer in those final nails into journalism’s coffin, guys.

We get it. President Obama is half-Black. Why does this have to mean that every comment or criticism directed toward his presidency must stem from racism? Is this how we’re going to spend the next 4-8 years? Having to listen to droning, dimwitted pundits and witless op-ed dolts who want to ignore the chance at greater political commentary because obviously every criticism has to really be because he’s half-Black?

You know, back in my Angry Blogger^TM days, I turned Bush into the Joker, too. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

I also turned Condoleeza Rice into Catwoman. Wait a minute! Obviously, this is a racist comment about her being Black…you know, because black cats are unlucky, so obviously I was implying that she’s unlucky because she’s Black. Gott in Himmel! My eyes are opened and I see that I, too, am a blatant racist! Where must I go to confess my sins?

Yeah.

I’ve yet to see the movie version of Bernhard Schlink’s The Reader. I usually prefer the books to the movies based on them anyway, so I don’t feel short-changed at all.

I’m not really sure what I can say about this book, though, as saying too much will ruin the story, but saying too little will do it undeserved injustice. The prose is simple and straightforward, which I have often found to be the case with books that have been translated from another language into English. Is this a reflection on the translator? Or are writers from other countries just more direct in their language?

Whatever the case, I love the clean feel of the prose. As much of a word nerd as I am, I appreciate how a sparse take on language allows the reader to focus more on the story being told rather than on how it is being told. There are few linguistic dalliances in this story, but that in no way stops Schlink from plumbing some very complex depths. I also find information on World War II as told from a German perspective to be highly intriguing. Anyone who has seen Der Untergang knows already what I mean.

Of course, this gives away the fact that this story deals head-on with actions committed during WWII as well as their long-term consequences. However, the primary story can also be seen as an allegory for a Post-WWII Germany and how its youth must deal with its older and oftentimes guilty predecessors. The relationship shared by Hanna and Michael, the two protagonists, is beautiful, frightening, and complicated in its own right, but when superimposed over the mental and emotional landscape of this post-war country, it takes on multifarious meanings, least of which are compulsory questions about loving someone/something guilty of horrific crimes. The only “flaw” that comes to mind at the moment is that the reason behind the title was almost a bit anti-climactic for me. It just didn’t resonate as loudly with me as I believe Schlink was hoping it would with his readers. Perhaps I should give it some time to sink in.

Final score: 4.5/5. This book is good enough that I forgive it for being an Oprah Book Club selection. I also think I might check out some of Schlink’s other works.

And now, because I promised, here’s a round-up of the first 25 books that I have read so far:

1. 10 Most Beautiful Experiments, by George Johnson (3.5/5)
2. The Dumbest Generation, by Mark Bauerlein (3/5)
3. The Memory of Running, by Ron McLarty (4.5/5)
4. Gene Roddenberry: The Last Conversation, by Yvonne Fern (4.5/5)
5. Stardust, by Neil Gaiman (4.5/5)
6. The Eyes of the Beholders, by A.C. Crispin (3.5/5)
7. Watchmen, by Alan Moore and Dave Gibbons (2.5/5)
8. Nightmare at 20,000 Feet: Horror Stories by Richard Matheson (4.5/5)
9. Comic Wars, by Dan Raviv (3/5)
10. It Ain’t All About the Cookin’, by Paula Deen (3/5)
11. Calculating God, by Robert J. Sawyer (4.5/5)
12. Walking in Circles Before Lying Down, by Merrill Markoe (3.5/5)
13. The Anglo Files: A Field Guide to the British, by Sarah Lyall (4/5)
14. The Almost Moon, by Alice Sebold (4/5 for prose; 3/5 for story)
15. Captivity, by Debbie Lee Wesselmann (2.5/5)
16. Resistance, by J.M. Dillard (1.5/5)
17. The Island of Dr. Moreau, by H.G. Wells (4/5)
18. The Last Lecture, by Dr. Randy Pausch (5/5)
19. One on One, by Tabitha King (2/5)
20. Good Omens, by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett (4.5/5)
21. Golf Monster, by Alice Cooper (4.5/5)
22. The Stars Like Dust, by Isaac Asimov (2.5/5)
23. Rapture for the Geeks: When AI Outsmarts IQ, by Richard Dooling (2.5/5)
24. The Little Prince, by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry (5/5)
25. The Reader, by Bernhard Schlink (4.5/5)

On to the final half. I’m a bit worried that it’s already August and I’m just hitting the halfway point. I need to either start reading shorter books or I need to take a month of LWOP and just sit on my butt and read nonstop. That actually doesn’t sound all that bad, eh?

That heading sounds disgusting, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, that’s what I’m about to drop on you now. I promise it won’t be too messy though. I’m just in a bit of a work maelstrom right now and am finding it difficult to surface for long periods of time. For those familiar with my mirror universe existence, this time of year is always one of the busiest work-wise. It’s one of two major drawbacks to a job that I’m still mostly loving (those of you who know the mirror universe me also already know what the other major drawback is, but that’s not for public airing ).

So what’s been going on since we last chatted? Well, first off I spent a wonderful weekend in the company of a great friend who flew in to spend a few days in Lobalandia. She moved to the cold nether regions of the American heartland a bit more than a year ago, which I have to say stinks for us here. However, this weekend was solid evidence that great friendships are like your favorite University of Maryland hoodie: Even though you don’t get to wear it as often as you’d like, when you do slip back into it, it’s just as warm and comfortable as you always remembered it being (and it smells Downy fresh, too!).

The highlight of the weekend (and the reason for my friend’s return) was the Tori Amos concert on Saturday evening. In case you’ve missed this, I love Tori. This was concert number 9, I believe, and it was wonderful. Truth be told, the last few times I’ve seen her haven’t been stellar because of poor sound quality at the last one and poor sound and fan quality at the one before that. But this concert was market-worthy, it sounded so pristine. Plus, it’s an extra special treat to see her when she comes to D.C., because that means she’s come home (face it, Tori…it doesn’t matter how far away you move, your heart belongs to the Dirty City). The set list for the evening was as follows:

1. Give (Abnormally Attracted to Sin)
2. Body and Soul (American Doll Posse)
3. Cornflake Girl (Under the Pink)
4. Flavor (Abnormally Attracted to Sin)
5. Space Dog (Under the Pink)
6. Hotel (From The Choirgirl Hotel)
7. Jamaica Inn (The Beekeeper)
8. Icicle (Under the Pink)
9. Carbon (Scarlet’s Walk)
10. Mary Jane (Abnormally Attracted to Sin)
11. Gold Dust (Scarlet’s Walk)
12. Pretty Good Year (Under the Pink)
13. a sorta fairytale (Scarlet’s Walk)
14. Fast Horse (Abnormally Attracted to Sin)
15. Precious Things (Little Earthquakes)
16. Strong Black Vine (Abnormally Attracted to Sin)
17. Bouncing off Clouds (American Doll Posse)
18. Raspberry Swirl (From The Choirgirl Hotel)
19. Big Wheel (American Doll Posse)

As you can tell, it was a pretty solid set with lots of perennial favorites mixed with some of the stronger offerings from her latest CD. I wish she had done more than just “Precious Things” from her first CD, but I was happy to hear so much from Under the Pink. Noticeably missing were any songs from Boys for Pele and Strange Little Girls, two CDs that I consider to be weaker links in the Tori musical chain.

I think the only major criticism I have of this concert is fan-related: I hate when people stand/sway/dance. I get that some people simply cannot resist the pull of the rhythm. But, dammit, I paid for a seat. Seats are for sitting so that I can comfortably listen to the music. Seats are not for getting an eye-level view of the woman in front of me pulling her underwear out of her bum crack as she stands dancing to practically every song (yes, I am talking about you with the navy blue pleated skirt and matching button-down vest; perhaps if you fed your ass before a concert, it wouldn’t get so hungry and try to devour your underwear every time you got up).

Small complaint, I suppose, for what was otherwise an excellent concert. If you’d like to see what I saw and hear what I heard, head on over to Undented.com’s review of the show. This is where I got the set list for that night; I personally don’t see how Twittering, texting, snapping photos, and recording video makes for an enjoyable concert experience, but obviously there are lots of people out there who don’t feel the same.

Okay, I need to split now. Hopefully, I’ll be back later this afternoon to make my latest 50BC09 entry. Finally, halfway there!!